Source
r/OCPoetry•
DecentCheese

The Spear

Feedback Received!

  Perhaps he's right,

  perhaps this won't be

  the end, I might change

  my mind,

  come back, I'll remain

  his spear.

 

  But isn't it the hammer

  that returns

  to its master's hand?

 

  In blood

  my heart is branded,

  deep, the scars stretch

  over heaving breasts

  he hopes, hearing those

  whimpers in the dark,

 

  "I'm stranded, love,

  please

  forgive me

  and keep me forever

  in your arms."

 

 

Discussion: I wrote this poem last night after I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm not usually much of a poet, but it felt right.   Edit: I've been trying the formatting guidelines in the sidebar but they don't seem to be working >.< I also edited in some of the feedback to try it out!

 

 
feedback   feedback

Posted Feb 28, 2018, 8:39 PM UTC · edited

65
freneticbutfriendly•

Hi DecentCheese!

I agree that the formatting makes it a little bit difficult to read it. Did you mean it like:

Perhaps he's right
perhaps this won't be
the end, I might change
my mind
come back,
his spear.

But it's the hammer that
returns
to its master's hand.

In blood
my heart is branded,
deep, the scars stretch
over heaving breasts
he hopes, hears those
whimpers in the dark,

"I'm stranded, love, please
forgive me
and keep me forever
in your arms."

I like that you end the poem with direct speech of your ex boyfriend. It gives it a kind of openness and makes the reader feel doubts whether the break-up was the right thing to do.

"In blood
my heart is branded,
deep, the scars stretch
over heaving breasts
he hopes, hears those
whimpers in the dark,"

I really love this stanza because of the strengh of the metaphorical language. It is very short, yet very intimate.

3
Decent_Cheese•

Yes, I did mean that formatting x) thank you! And thanks for the feedback, I feel more encouraged to write more ^ ^

1
just-a_dude•

I like this poem a lot. You did a really good job of channeling your emotion as I can feel them strongly in these words. That being said, I do have some suggestions. The first being about L5-6 "come back, / his spear". Here, it appears you have omitted the "to" that should connect these lines in favor of L6 repeating the two syllable line pattern. Whatever the reason, I would suggest changing L5-6 to read "come back / to his spear." if you want to keep the sexual connotation on "come back". However, considering the hunter-gatherer connotation of "spear", I would suggest changing L5-6 to read "go back / to his spear" to make room for the hunter-gatherer facet in the mind(as sexual connotations can drown out some of the more subtle connotations words have).
My second suggestion is about L7-9. I would suggest changing these lines to a question, making them read "Isn't it the hammer that / returns / to its master's hand?" I suggest this to add a layer of ambiguity to the proposition of returning to the ex.
My last suggestion is about L14 "he hopes, hears those". I would suggset changing this line to "he hopes, hearing those". I suggest this for two reasons; to make L14 five syllables and thus the same as L15(satisfying metrical tension before going into the quoted whimpers) and simply because, to me, it feels clearer and more explicit.
All in all, I thought this was a really raw and evocative poem with some pleasingly subtle sonics. Great work, please keep writing.

2
Decent_Cheese•

Thanks for the feedback! I like the idea about changing syllables for flow, I should do that soon :O as far as the spear goes, it's not a metaphor for his male parts--he was somewhat into Norse mythology, and I was sort of into "sensual" adult experiences (?) So the bit about scars and spears was literal, referring to a carved symbol on my chest. It was supposed to be Odin's spear. He said his spear would always come back to him as he carved it, but another suitor who was pursuing me at the time laughed and said it was actually Thor's hammer that would return. I'm not sure about the mythology myself, but I thought it was poetic. Do you perhaps have any suggestions on how to make it seem less like I'm talking about someone's "spear?"

2
AStangeNamedWay•

I thought there were very good spacey prove words used and I like how it was almost litteral

1