Source
r/OCPoetry•
triemers

IV. Silver City, NM, 345PM

Feedback Received!

I was only ever a visitor

Through the pines,

Up the hills,

Into the sky.

//

This was not how we remembered it.

A row of closed signs on coloured adobe shops,

A town quiet and still

But for the restless New Mexico wind.

//

Without the bustle we began to notice

Age and imperfections in

Buildings lined with corrosion, the cracked

Piping weaving its way over faded paint and

Handlaid brick that had once contained

Someone’s livelihood.

//

We scavenged for lunch

While a group of boys that could have been us,

Were we born in a different place,

Crowded around the open hood of a 1974 Bronco;

As faded as the city itself.

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7xoa6n/comment/duaweie

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7xpnx3/comment/duawvs9

Posted Mar 8, 2018, 7:47 PM UTC · edited

35
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
poutyfacefennec•

What I like most about this piece is the pacing contrasted by the subject matter, those two things play off eachother nicely. I think this work is very close to the hands off point, and the speaker's language here is simplistically effective. I would recommend only a few minor changes. Firstly, the beginning stanza is nice, but a few scant details would hook the reader even better. Second, try switching to present tense to see what that does for the voice, as I think it would more effectively communicate the subject matter. Third, four line stanzas would give this work a little more balance; I would play around with your line breaks in stanza three for starters. A few of those lines aren't profound or detailed enough to stand on their own, like the last two and the first two. For the final stanza if this were mine I would cut line three entirely. Also, good specific title, but could lose the IV bit and replace with some kind of revelation similar to the last stanza. Finally, really hone in on word choice here. Good stuff, look forward to a revision.

2
triemersOP•

Thanks! Definitely forgot to add context; this is number 4 of a 5 part cycle. Definitely need to look into stanza line count, was struggling with how to balance the form more.

1
poutyfacefennec•

As I said, I believe some simple merges and deletions will solve the format thing. What is the overarching theme of this sequence and how does this work fit into that? I'll be posting my own work here in a few minutes, check it out when you find time!

1
triemersOP•

There's two main progressions: the first being a chronological home (so I. is actually the city I live in) to an unfamiliar city (but still with aspects of familiarity) in V. The second progression is from a "we" heavy idea to gradual loneliness, the last stanza of V being very closed off, singular and alone.

Also a few connections between; the first and last are similar in tone, 2nd and 4th similar in content and tone but different colours and focus, and the middle being different but still fitting in the overarching theme and progression, just a different focus (landscape and scope).

I'll definitely check yours out! Thanks for the feedback!

1