This was really good. I enjoyed the flow of the imagery and language. Hell even the title fits, 'Motorcade Minutes'. Little bit of alliteration and it anchors the setting. I get an image of driving down a desert highway alone, windows open and seeing all the images you describe. 'Eastern fire', 'uncharred earth'. It really sets a western image.

It reminds me of something by The Doors, Riders on the Storm or something like that. Or even Jim Morrison's poetry. It has a really rich setting.

My favorite line is 
>Perhaps that beauty above

>is born from bleakness below.

Something about the words just clicks for me, the antithesis between the two images. The feeling of being somewhere ugly, seduced by the sky above. It's a mix between a bleak and peaceful image, for me anyways. And it really works.

I honestly think the poem is perfect as it is. Really well done! I'll look out for what you post next :)

Thank you! I was a bit nervous to actually post a serious poem of mine, so I really appreciate the feedback :) 

Thank you for the feedback, much appreciated. I agree with you especially on the ending. I’m thinking about submitting this as part of an application for my university’s poetry area program, so anything that is samey or cliché is something that needs to change.

hiya :) i really love the imagery in your work! it's gorgeous.

i really like the last four lines of your final stanza, they are very striking. but these three:

> Minute hands tick on,
> fire burns out, 
> smoke dissipates to nothing.

let it down a little i feel. this is because they don't seem very fresh (to me), and a bit cliché. 

to keep  with the time theme, why not try using the sun, as that is of course how clocks came about originally. you could even use some idea of the sun "ticking" it's way under/down, in order to juxtapose ancient and modern timekeeping.


with the fire, again it feels a little samey. i'm sure you could find a way to make it surprising, to match the rest of the piece! how about likening the dying light to something other than fire, maybe honey or closing eyes? or maybe just making the fiery lines a bit spicier... change it up a bit, throw in a surprising colour or shape e.g. "soft blue fire" or "crumbly grey flames". i don't know, you should come up with 

Clockwork: that eastern fire  
scorches down across the horizon,  
washing smoking pastel waves  
all along the nameless hills.  


Those hills,  
it seems they circle eternally,  
yet Day’s death blackens only  
those closest to its farewell throes.  


Uncharred earth ahead  
seem less real somehow.  
Blurred and fogged,  
neutral clay mounds still left untouched.  
What right do they have to exist  
against such a beautiful sky?  


Perhaps that beauty above  
is born from bleakness below.  
Without something dim,  
nothing will ever be brilliant.  


Minute hands tick on,  
fire burns out,  
smoke dissipates to nothing.  
Hills all darken selfsame.  
An empyreal sky transforms,  
leaving behind an endless field  
of charcoal flecked with pale, cosmic ash.  




https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7n1s1t/my_self/drysasr/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/83anz7/genesis_121/dvhyh9d/