Source
r/OCPoetry•
stuffscool1

Daylight's Savings

Feedback Received!

Longer days and more light. The new light

takes weight from the air. The new sky,

less heavy and painted like a sea means

all I can do not to take off right now

and go for a swim is close my eyes

and bury myself in that eyelid-dark.

But for sure I’ll soon be ready to open

my arms in the space light made. To float,

open-eyed and naked

on the sun.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/83q8n4/recipe_for_a_great_melody/dvlbqw6/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/83udte/sometimes/dvlb9pm/

Posted Mar 12, 2018, 8:05 PM UTC

13
ActualNameIsLana•

I'm not sure I'm understanding the abrupt shift in focus from the sun to the sea. You may want to make that more clear. Also, is this a spelling error?

open-eyed and naked
ON the sun

Should it be "in"? Or is your character physically located on the surface of a sun?

1
SisterofLingy•

I feel like the pacing in this is a little confusing. And I agree with another commenter in that the appearance of the sea is a little abrupt and doesn't mesh well with the idea of floating on the sun. I feel like with some structural edits this could be really nice, I like the last few lines "To float, open-eyed and naked on the sun".

1
reasonstobecheerful_•

I'm a bit confused of the lay out, maybe you are also finding issues like I do pasting my work in the form I wrote it. Is 'the new sky...' all one line? It seems far longer than the rest. I really liked the term eyelid dark.

1