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anihallatorx•

This is great. This is a haiku, but the structure doesn't feel forced or even existent (in good way) unlike most. I like how the first line does essentially slow the whole thing and ot works amazingly for a short piece like this. And the next two lines, very cinematic and fresh. Good job!

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slothXLOP•

Thanks for the feedback! Made my day :)

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anihallatorx•

I just read it again, and I love that you took the chance and went for the last line the way you did. I think that's what brought the freshness to the poem. It may or may not have worked with everyone, but you still did. Amazing.

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slothXLOP•

Really appreciate this.

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mistrali2•

A lot of great contrasts here: green/red, human/natural, skin/leaf, complex (the taste of the wine) and ephemeral or nascent (leaves).

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SavannahsBananas•

This works well, but I'd love for you to give it a title to add more context, especially with a form as dense as haiku. Enjambment might help add some flow to the piece. Was unsure what to make of the "depth" of wine in the last line. Reads a bit like waking up with a hangover haha. Great job, thanks for sharing.

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slothXLOP•

Found a title after I posted. 'Her'

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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mistrali2•

You don't need a title, really.

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happy_apple•

Something I really appreciate is your use of punctuation in this haiku. I see people either ignore it, or use it very straightforwardly, but yours is set up to match the pace of your poem perfectly.

I also like the nature imagery for the first two lines, and a break from that for the third. It adds interest instead of being one dimension. Thank you for sharing

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slothXLOP•

Thanks for the feedback! :)

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