hot enough today
to heat the whole summer.
plastic bag struggling in a tree.
the breeze carries nothing
but dumpster smells.
the leatherskin man will keep walking
with a black fly on the corner of his mouth,
until the earth becomes his fingertips—
and then he’ll snap.
Posted Mar 16, 2018, 4:26 PM UTC
You know I'm a fan :)
:)
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Thank you auto-mod X
This personally reminded me of what it was like to hike in Twentynine Palms, my brain instantly turned leatherskin into leatherneck haha.
But I think that the reason my brain was able to go there so readily was because this piece evokes a scene very well. Your imagery, language and form are all spot on. My only critique would be to expand it a little so that the ending is flushed out a bit more. At the moment I'm not really sure what the poem is trying to say, even though it's saying it really well, if that makes any sense.
Great read :)
Hey thank you! That does make sense. And I do think the ending needs a better lead-up / justification. I appreciate your feedback as always :)
Oh, and twenty one palms is the best. Whenever I'm writing about the desert, I'm picturing Joshua Tree and the surrounding desert.
I really enjoyed this, and feel like it's pretty solid as is. I want to offer a counter-opinion (?) to critiques that it should be expanded or more fleshed out. (I don't disagree with those opinions, I simply have different ones.) I think the ambiguity here is precisely this works strength. Strong narratives or concrete suggestions and resolutions never seemed like the purview of poetry to me, so I don't know if it's necessary to go too deep in explaining anything. Just the words "leatherskin man" is enough to conjure up a very vivid image. I feel like additional details limits that image and that image's relation to others in the poem, and thus limits the message of the work. I have no idea what this is about, but I don't need to know that to sincerely enjoy it for what it is.
Whats going to happen is; in 6 months I will remember that final stanza and it will take on a new meaning for me. Those words in that specific arrangement will morph into a representation of something in the world. They will "gain flesh", if that makes sense. It will be super weird and I won't remember where I read this, but some strange relation will exist for me, and I think thats about as powerful as anyone can hope a poem could be.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow that last paragraph you wrote is very flattering and I really appreciate it :)
I also appreciate the balance you brought to the discussion. It is a fine line between mysterious and obtuse. Sometimes I land just right, other times not so much. This one needs some massaging, but I agree-- not too much!
Thank you again, I'm glad it connected with you so well :)
So, I like this. But I think it's also a bit obtuse. I don't know whether that's intentional, but I had a very hard time discovering any sort of theme or topic at play here. It reads much like a character study, but some lines dip fairly heavily into surrealism, like
until the earth becomes his fingertips
IDK. I'm having a hard time deciding if this one is successful from a poetic standpoint or not. There's a strong sense of despair that I walked away with – but I'm having difficulty deciding if that's something I'm inventing in my own head, or something the poem is creating via its own imagery and poetics. And I'm calling into question whether or not that distinction even matters.
It got me thinking... So that's a plus on its side. But whether or not it got me thinking about the things the author intended... That's a question only you can answer.
Hey, yes, I think this one is a bit undercooked and a little more obtuse than I wanted. I mostly wanted this scene of uninterrupted walking until… something transcendent happens.
"Oppression, despair, keep going, and going, and going… snap."
And, maybe, at that peak, one might have the world at their fingertips.
Something like that.
It definitely needs work. And your comment gives some direction. Thanks for calling it out— I appreciate it :)
One line that caught my attention is:
plastic bag struggling in a tree
It doesnt seem to carry that same movement that the other lines portray, i like the delivery of it, but it does not flow well onto your next line
the breeze carries nothing. but dumpster smells.
Maybe if you match the syllables,rythm, feel, etc. of the the lines, (preferably changing the wording of the breeze carries nothing. But dumpster smells.) It will give the poem more flow. I just feel the transition of these two sentences disrupts the flow.
Interesting. Thanks for pointing that out about the movement and flow. I'll look at that as I edit for sure. Thank you!
jeez Louise that was good just short but sharp. I liked the plastic bag in the tree. I liked the character and would like to see him do more
Thank you thank you :)
plastic bag struggling in a tree.
This line had me think about life and how we struggle to get somewhere, but the bag is not really trying to get something, it is just being ripped by the two forces being the tree and the wind. The bag has no say in what happens to it. and that is similar to what happens to us in life in so many different situations.
Wow that's a really cool interpretation of that line— other people always catch things I miss as I'm writing. Thanks for sharing that :)
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Hey, thank you! I agree it needs some fleshing out. I appreciate you calling it out. Back to work for me ;)
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I like it, some great imagery, especially in the last line.
May I ask what inspired it?
Thank you! And to answer your question: I was walking home and I wondered what would would happen if I (or anyone) just kept walking and walking no matter what.