Navigating a partner's hierarchy as a non-hierarchical poly person

So, for me personally, I feel I identify more as solo poly.

What this means for me is that while I'm completely open to relationships that are "primary" in nature, I'm not looking for someone to live with, have children with, share finances with, get married to - none of those things interest me.

I can accept the fact, however, that those things mean a lot to many people, poly people included. When I think of being someone's "secondary" partner, or not their nesting partner, I don't think of myself as "less than." I just can only offer some things and so can they - and it works when the things they can't offer aren't the things you want anyway.

Now, if it's a matter of priority, it depends on context. I'm going to 100% understand if a partner of mine has to cancel plans because his nesting partner needs him to do something, especially if there's kids/bills involved. I would expect the same courtesy if something came up in my household/family.

Now if there's needs that you're not getting met, you need to discuss them. If there's not a possibility of that partner meeting them, you either need to close the relationship and find someone who can or keep the relationship and find someone who can.

But if it's less about you wanting to eat more of the cake, and more about you just not wanting anyone else to have more of the cake then you do if you can't have it, well, just remember fair doesn't mean equal.

The important thing isn't that a partner is sharing everything equally, but that themselves and all parties are getting everything they need.

I've been in that spot and I can't and won't deal with it.

It's one thing to be secondary because my partner is already cohabitating or married. It's another thing to constantly be assigned second fiddle. For me there's a difference from feeling secondary and being secondary. I can be in that side-kick supporting-character role as long as I feel cherished and like I'm not a disposable human being. Like I matter in the whole context. Some people do this really well, some people do it poorly.

Only you know how much secondary-ness you can accept. The tone of your post sounds like you're already starting to feel hurt and or resentful for being treated the way you are.

You can always ask for what you want -who knows, maybe you'll be their game changer.

how do you help but not feel like your partner's other relationships are being prioritized over you?

You want to "not feel" that way? But why would you ignore reality? It's a "hierarchical" relationship, prioritizing other relationships over you is literally what's happening, by definition. It is good for your thoughts and feelings to reflect reality.

What you want is to not feel bad, which is a different matter. The way forward (short of breakup) is to accept what's happening - take the relationship for the "friend-with-benefits" or "secondaries" or whatever you wanna call it situation that it is, and don't expect it to be more, and adjust your own engagement accordingly.

How do you compete in emotional equations when you know you're automatically fighting uphill every time, knowing that your metamour's opinions will always get more weight than yours?

You never "compete" at all. You gotta respect your partner as an independent person who can make their own choices and if that choice is to prioritize their other partner over you then that's okay. It's not you and your meta in a tug of war that your meta will always win, it's your partner, making the choice to prioritize your meta, over and over again, to the point that they've formally defined their relationship as a promise to always prioritize each other. (If your partner is codependent and isn't really an independent person that's a separate but related problem.)

If you take out the "brands" of polyamory, it comes down to this. Your partner is offering you a certain amount of time, energy, and focus on his life. It sounds like you're not happy with what he's offering. Your options are:

1. Ask if it's open for negotiation. There's something that want that's missing. Can you ask him if he's willing to give that to you?

2. Make peace with the situation as it is. This might mean changing the place that he has in your life. Perhaps he can't be an anchor in your life. Can you be happy with your relationship if you see him as more of a satellite? That said, you can't always control your feelings, and it may be that your heart will always want more.

3. The final option, if things can't change, and if you can't make peace with the situation as is, would be to move on and leave. Which is painful and hard for anybody. It is up to you to decide if it's less painful than continuing to wrestle with options 1 & 2.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope that you can find some sense of peace about it.

I had a difficult experience recently with someone close to me, where I felt quite sad and resentful that I will always come second after their primary partner and kids. It was also frustrating because I was spending more time with them than their primary who seemed to be unavailable a lot of the time.

I reflected on it further and realised I need to take a step back and spend less time with them, but not cut it off altogether. I need to also make room for people who can return my affection and commitment on a more equal level. I find it helpful to avoid prioritising someone more than they prioritise me on a consistent basis, so that things feel more balanced and reciprocal.

Another thing I find challenging is that I need the amount of time together and level of intimacy to be in proportion to the level of commitment and investment, so things can start to feel a bit problematic if those things get out of proportion. For instance, if I'm spending a few hours with someone every day (whether in person or on Skype) that becomes like a primary relationship for me. However, if they always consider me secondary, then it becomes quite difficult to deal with from an emotional point of view.

As well as that, sometimes I find that if I get too close to someone without having much commitment or clarity about the nature of the relationship, it can make it more difficult to deal with tension and conflicts that arise. If the other person is not as invested as me, they will often not put in the time and effort needed to discuss difficult issues that arise and work through problems that crop up. I've found they are more likely to get swept under the carpet, or the person may be inclined just to leave the relationship altogether if it gets too hard.

This applies in all kinds of relationships, including platonic friendships. It's easy to get frustrated or bitter when you're a lot more invested or committed than the other person is.

I don't really think I've ever become MORE comfortable with a person's differing relationship style over time.

If I can't be comfortable within the hierarchy, I leave unless I have some understanding things are changing on their end and see that happen actively. If new hierarchical issues come up regularly, I know I wont be happy dealing with that repeatedly.

If I stick around to try to deal with it, I stop requesting things and let my partner set the pace. That way I get to observe what they are capable of, interested in, and what they have to offer. If I see them step up and make space for the relationship, at least I'll see I'm valued and be able to be a bit more objective on if it's enough for me.

I accept that the other partner probably will FOREVER be prioritized over me, and dont waste time with thinking the relationship would be what I wanted if something finally changes in one year, or 3, or 5..

Maybe try not comparing your relationship to their other relationships. For a second pretend those other relationships don't exist. Are you getting everything you want out of your relationship with this person? Evaluate it on it's own merits, not how it compares to others.

For me, it comes down to a couple of things: Is the hierarchy descriptive or prescriptive? The former is 'Alex is my primary because we nest together and have kids and a mortgage, Casey is my secondary as we do not have that level of entanglement ', the latter is 'Casey will only ever be alloted a sliver of my time/energy because that's their place and they need to stick to it'

And, importantly for me - will my needs be ignored for the wants of the primary relationship?

My main partner started out very hierarchical with their spouse. 12 months and a lot of emotional labour later, we're in a much more egalitarian place. Things can change.

Well, I think part of being in something hierarchical as a non-primary is that yes, their primary IS being prioritized over you. Are you okay with that? It's okay to not be. But some people like to know that those are the expectations and boundaries - consider someone else who already has a primary hierarchical relationship, someone solo poly who never wants to be entangled, someone already quite polysaturated.

If your partner has been clear about what they can offer and that's not enough for you, then you should pull back or leave, and look for someone who's more aligned. Or you can try and renegotiate, but understand that your partner may not want that. It sucks to want more than your partner wants to give you, but that's not just a poly problem.

Unless I was super confident I would never need more than casual connection, it wouldn't work for me.

There's a reason values and priorities matter in compatibility.

I’m dealing with this right now and it’s hard. I won’t go as far as saying I’m non-hierarchical, because I do have a primary, but we don’t live together and he has very little, if any, say over my other relationships. (Other than safer sex boundaries)

New guy has hierarchy to the max. No veto, but pretty much everything else. And the bad thing is that his wife only started issuing all these new rules after he and I had already been dating for a bit. Their previous agreements had been much more reasonable.

Trying to help him navigate this, perhaps get her to compromise, but I may have to just deal with it or end things. They have two kids and love each other, so it’s not like he has much leverage to convince her to change her mind.

Personally, when I get caught up in the labeling and poly-specific terms, it gets disheartening.

Yes those terms exist and yes they are each other primaries/nesting partners, but I can't fault them for being together prior to meeting me. All I can do is be open to them and try to communicate/convey my feelings with them. After telling them, they have made obvious attempts to alleviate my feelings of feeling like a secondary. They don't give me any less consideration and they weigh my opinions fairly.

I'm not going to lie, it's a hard feeling to get over. I still can't help but feel that way regardless of their reassurance. It feels like I have to be more careful about certain behaviors or keep a certain statement to myself. It's tough, but it's definitely something that you can work through with their help. Sometimes I honestly think I'm overthinking things.

First, please be sincere saying you are non hierarchical, or it comes off pretentious.

As for why someone would date someone hierarchical? Depends on many factors. How strict is the hierarchy? Do they have a primary?

I don't need to be someone's number one to feel important. Being someone's number two is usually MORE than I want.

There's nothing for me to get over. Just be honest with me.