Aye, I'm new to writing poems (just started 2 days ago) and quite frankly just don't have the ear for sonnets yet. I like the way they flow, but I have a hard time recognizing the amount of syllables and the unstressed - stressed beats.

This poem was originally going to be a sonnet, but just couldn't turn it into one. It was originally titled Sonnet One but just changed it to a different one upon realizing it's not a sonnet. I liked the way this one reads, it is cliche, but hopefully I'll get better as I write more.

Thank you for your critique, I'll definitely keep working on improving :).

Also, legs are great.

I too am a leg man. Just kidding haha but I felt compelled to write a longer critique because I know how hard these structured forms can be, and I wish someone had been there to help myself with them.

The first line is pretty solid meter wise. The only thing I would do is change "breakout" to "break out" since I think you want it more to read as a verb than a noun. (When I read breakout I think prison breakout, instead of sun rays breaking out.)

The second line is where the meter starts to get a bit messy. It seems like you're going for a sonnet here, which are written in iambic pentameter. (5 iambs per line.) Here, it's written with only 8 syllables instead of ten, and the stresses for the words aren't unstressed-->stressed (i*amb*) but rather:

*I'm* en*ticed,* *pulled* *in*to your *spell*

You've got a lot of stressed/stressed syllables going on. This continues for the rest of the poem. The rhymes are solid. I liked "trial" and "while" because I've never seen that before.

Content

Rays of sunshine break out from your smile  
I’m enticed, pulled into your spell  
Almond eyes, each their own beautiful isle  
They bless me, with the love that only eyes can tell  
The melody of your voice, in harmony with a bird’s song  
It’s the heavenly noise that my ears long  
Complexion so fair, nothing could defile  
Soft hands that hold me, make life worthwhile  
Long legs, leading me to my sultry desire  
A vibrant personality, your roaring fire  
When we lay, our affection cannot quell  
Whisper my name, bring me out my shell  
On my knee, say yes and we start our trial  
Grow until we’re old, be together for a while  

_____________________________________________________


[Feedback 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/86rmjf/sunset_days_first_ever_poem/dw7r82j/)
&amp;nbsp;
[Feedback 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/86n4tl/growing_season/dw6iiv2/)


14 Heartfelt Lines