Stuck between two sides again
This actually happened 2 years ago too. When I got out of school and started working as a server I learnt that I can stand up to people and stopped letting myself be treated like shit. This started as a healthy way of developing self-confidence and self worth but ended up in pure arrogance when in emotional flashbacks (which was pretty much always back then). When I realized what a facade I was putting up, I started forcefully putting myself into place and stopped this behaviour altogether, making myself a fawning, silent human being because I was so embarrassed by my arrogance and overall macho behavior. And that in turn led me to being stuck and it's how I ended up in therapy because I didn't allow myself to be anything.
And now I'm back in this situation. I ended an abusive friendship where I got bullied for 8 years and it gave me a lot of power to gain self-confidence again and I've been feeling great lately. But the arrogance part is taking over again and I notice myself cramping up again so I don't repeat this loop again. But I don't know what else to do... emotional flashback management is often not enough and when dissociated I tend to fully embrace this arrogant facade...
It feels terrible right now. I'm now in a position with a lot more knowledge than back then but I still don't know how to get out of this.
Posted Mar 26, 2018, 12:39 AM UTC
It sounds like you're afraid either way. In the fawning mode you're afraid that people will hurt you (emotionally), so you go along with whatever they want even if it's abusive. In the arrogant mode you're still afraid that people will hurt you, so you hide your true self behind a facade.
Is there anyone you can feel safe with? Maybe spend more time with them, so you don't feel the need to use either response.
Also I recommend a book called The Power of Focusing by Ann Cornell. It may help you find your true self. I wrote a post about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/86texl/gendlinstyle_focusing_explained_with_nonflowery/?st=jf8e1g6b&sh=d2c02834
Hm yeah I'm currently practicing not fawning around people and it has become so engrained into me that I even slightly fawn in front of the people I trust.