Okay so I reread it, and I think its main strength is its depiction of organic conversation, and its main weakness is when the dialogue feels contrived, often due to a forced rhyme. So the reason I liked the last line was because I instantly recognised "Go Tilted Towers" as video game speak, as for some reason we noticeably drop our prepositions when talking about ingame locations, and it fit really nicely into the scene. I also liked how the rhyme scheme was inconsistent and containing half-rhymes in places, as this again felt organic, like everyday speech, whilst still being pleasing on the ears.

Like I said, however, some of the lines that rhymed felt slightly contrived and detracted from this sense of verisimilitude. "Let's not delay" for example, who says that? "They then pronounced him dead" I'm not too sure about. "Pronounced" sounds perhaps slightly too clinical for the converastion. And "Now sit down and hush your fuss" I think maybe works, but its still slightly jarring beca

Oops, thanks didn't catch the links at first, and yeah please, I'm always looking for tips and feedback on how to improve my writing!

Oh I see you gave feedback on mine, do you want some actual feedback on this poem? Also you linked to the same comment twice?

Haha love those last two lines, really enjoyed this

Thanks, yeah I definitely tried to keep everything on the lighter side of things. And if you don't mind, what do you think about the subtext and what's below the surface here? I'm tryna to get a feel for what people pick up on compared to what I try to lay down

I love the humorous tones that are tightly woven to only hint at but not disclose entirely the darker subtext. The use of such dysphemistic language is a fantastic device when used alongside such informal language really paints a picture of the scene as being real and not ephemeral. Great read. Also, wailing woods ftw. 

This is a fun poem, but when looked at deeper, it's also dark.  It reminds me of Kerouac in a way, with the very natural flow of the dialogue within it. I'm kind of torn however on the bumpy ride that this poem is with it's inconsistent rhyme pattern.  On one hand, I like that it's bumpy and a little off-kilter, it makes it feel more like what it was: a conversation about huffing gas between some people playing video games--an altogether bumpy and bumbling thought process.  However, it might make it more powerful and easy to read if you created more of a pattern.  In the first stanza, cripp and piss aren't even near rhymes (IMHO) and then you do a perfect rhyme between way and delay.  Then, in the second stanza, you choose to rhyme line 2 (shed) with line 4 (dead) and then in the 3rd stanza, you rhyme lines 1 and 2 (fools, cool) and lines 3 and 4 (fuss, wuss).  Once again, I'm torn between not quite liking the pattern due to inconsistency and also seeing it as a sort of weird developme

Happy Easter Sunday people! In honor of Jesus I figured I'd share a little thing I thought up after asking my roommate if he wanted to huff gasoline while we were playing fortnite a while ago.

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Wanna Try Huffin Gas?

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Said the addict to the cripp

As they sat and took the piss

"I think a kid died that way..."

"Gas can't kill, let's not delay!"

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Spoke the gimp to the junkie

"They found him in a shed

plastic bag hung round his neck,

they then pronounced him dead"

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Serenaded the girl to both fools

"You can't huff gas, it's so not cool

Now sit down and hush your fuss

Go Tilted Towers, don't be a wuss"


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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/88jdgk/feedback_request_the_sands_of_time_a_ballad/dwmode0/


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/87xhrr/fuzzy_no_more/dwmpghq/
