Cotton Heart
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Posted Apr 2, 2018, 1:15 PM UTC · edited
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I love the rhythm and rhymes here. It's a very simple poem but there's a charm in that simplicity. The last two lines are particularly beautiful. That ending is very strong and evokes a beautiful imagery in my head. Overall, I really enjoyed your poem!
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Dude, the poem only has 2 verses
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I meant lines, sorry.
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This is really good. I think the simple suggestions have already been covered by another commenter, but this is really good.
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Wow, I think this is the first Dactylic poem I've seen on this subreddit and I really enjoyed it, thank you. I think the metre helps to give it this aggressive, pulsating undertone which fits with the image of a heart (beating) and the dark tone of the poem.
Whilst I like the rhyme scheme and stanza structure, I feel that the last rhymes of each stanza are slightly contrived. "Not a single survivor" doesn't add much to the meaning of the poem, it reads more like a line that's there because you needed a word that rhymed with 'fiber'. Same with "no beverage at fault". I don't know what that means nor how it relates to the poem.
Don't abandon the rhyme scheme cos it's great and adds a sense of insistence to the poem and speeds it along, just consider revising it.
If you could repay the feedback by visiting my most recent post, I'd really appreciate it :)
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/88zm38/on_hope_returning/
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I like how you try to create a journey of getting lost for the sake of getting lost. Whatever in sorrow or some other strong evocation. The thing I'm curious about is why you chose to say "whatever remains to the bottom will sink" instead of whatever remains in the bottom will sink"
Considering your motif of submersion and getting "drunk" it would fit.
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No no no no no.
If you do as you suggest in your first and second alterations, the poem loses its dactylic metre and is far worse off for it (that DUH-duh-duh DUH-duh-duh rhythm that runs right through it)! Exactly the words that you want to emit are the ones that give the poem its great sense of speed and urgency!
As for your second suggested alteration, I still prefer the original
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Curious what they said, their comments are all deleted now haha
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I never claimed your criticisms were insincere, just that they were likely to detract from the poem's quality if acted on.
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That doesn't mean your view is a good one.
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rhyming fiber with survivor.... clever mind you have that's for sure. Hits deep at the end because its so true about it not being the beverages fault but that the fault lies in the heart of the abuser.
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This is an impressive, yet depressing metaphor. I wonder how this heart would be described in its sobriety.
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Ah, the good ol' rhymes! Love it. I agree with fellow Edgardian u/OrangeFlap. The imagery is strong, what you wanted to portray is not obvious, but easy to see, which is sometimes hard to accomplish, so good work, sir/madam! Cheers!