This piece starts out very strong, I really like the first stanza. The second stanza is a bit rough for me, it doesn't flow like my mind wants it too but it might be the way I read it or my personal taste. You have tight rhymes everywhere other than "Dress free flowing like the morn/There will be another dawn", although I do like the imagery those lines paint. Also, I would address the repetition of the word "day" in your last two lines. Maybe something like, "Dusk falls into place,/There will be another day" This also might lend a looser rhyme to balance out the loose rhyme in the other stanza. Sorry if I'm using slang terms or the wrong ones, I write poetry because it just comes naturally to me but I don't know all too much about it and I'm trying to learn more about the technicalities and terms.

I like the second alteration (unwithdrawn isn't a word?). Not sure about the word fray tho? Would it not suggest the girl to be dressed in rags?

I think if I were to revise that penultimate line, I'd focus on evening coming in (your suggestion) as opposed to day fading, and finish the line with the word "grey" (UK spelling), also prompted by your own revision. I'm not sure what the line would be yet, but thank you for putting me down the right path!

Really enjoyed reading this, the flow and the rhyme scheme work very well.

If I were to edit it, here's what my version would look like (although these are entirely subjective changes of course):

>Girl among the bushes spun  
Light from heaven's highest rung  
Falls on hair as black as night  
Motions through the green delight   
  
>Turn to me and smile faint  
Arms spread out like hallowed saint  
Dress free flowing, unwithdrawn  
There will be another dawn   

>Flowers pink melt into jet  
Sweetly scents her pirouette  
Evening grays her gentle fray   
There will be another day   

I guess it's the sense of innocence coupled with the fact I didn't get a sense of romantic love. But it is interesting how readers see different things. I wrote a poem about my own mother once that some interpreted to be about abortion (which it most definitely wasn't, luckily for me lol)

Interesting that you interpreted a little girl, it was supposed to be about a love interest.

I wasn't suggesting a fourth stanza. I imagined an  edit of those two lines, perhaps shifting lines around so you conclude the poem with that concept. But it's no big deal. It's fine either way. 

A fair criticism. I'm not really sure where those stanza endings came from, it was largely automatic writing. However, I don't think that sentiment on its own could hold up as a whole stanza, and I think the poem would suffer from the added length of a fourth stanza.

It sounds to me like you're trying to capture this magical moment of a little girl twirling. In which case the last lines of the last two stanzas contrast a little oddly for me. I don't get the need to mention a new dawn/day at that particular point. I'm guessing you're referencing hope for the future, judging by the title, but maybe that concept deserves a stanza on its own? Might give it a smoother finish.

wow you really paint a clear picture with your words :)

That's a very flattering response, thank you

This feels highly positive, addressing the beauty of either a female or morning/nature in the symbol of a female. Usually this kind of positive admiration would be met with some sort of contrasting element of loss tied to a traditional give-take perspective.

But instead you just re-affirm that there will be "another day" Another day of beautiful mornings, flowers, and femininity.

I don't claim that this poem is of the same quality as what I usually post here - having been written about a year ago in four minutes and not revised since - but I do not think it is without its redeeming qualities either, and would be interested to hear your thoughts on it.  

*EDIT* (Ignore the name of the post) Title - A Vision


Girl among the bushes spun  
Light from heaven's highest rung  
Falls on hair as black as night  
Motions through the green delight  



Turns to me and smiles faint  
Arms spread out like hallowed saint  
Dress free flowing like the morn  
There would be another dawn  



Flowers pink melt into jet  
Sweetly scents her pirouette  
Day begins to fade away  
There will be another day  


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/88zakw/one_who_is_lost/dwo9sgq/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/88rn82/wanna_try_huffin_gas/dwn7pi8/


On hope returning