Thanks very much for this reply, really appreciate it. Thank you 

I like this for a first poem. I think it's pretty great at parts, but feels rather broken apart into very dissonent sections. For example, I think the first line is almost proselike in its literalness, which instantly put me off. In contrast, the second line is lovely, with a very nice rhythm and a previously impresent rhyme scheme. The third line returns to another rather trivial statement without decoration, yet is again followed by a very poetic line. The line "sad story of a man..." is pretty good, but I think the first clause should have an article (i.e. "**a** sad story), and wording and rhythm that matches the rest of the poem ("he's now still" is not how I imagine this narrator talking). The following line is very long, and the rhymes sort of remind me of a forced freestyle rap("eternal dame" seems like an element introduced for the sake of rhyme). "Not a thing" seems to have potential as an idea, but currenly feels weak attached to the loosely built "mistress" metaphor. The la

"No suffering no pain although it's a shame I'm sure he's content with his eternal dame, the mistress of nothing, blackness... not a thing"

Really enjoy this on the tongue, could hear how they would be said. I'm a little unsure of the last three words, not so much what they mean but the dissonance they cause with the rest of the last two lines. 

You can definitely tighten up the meter of the poem. There isn't much structure/flow to it, which IMO makes it a little hard to read and digest. 


I like how direct the message is. Makes you think about what is happening in a short instance of time. 

My only issue I had was the last part at "...fuck sake, life can be shite". This seems off from the general message of the poem but that is only my opinion. Keep at it!



I like this for a first poem.

It seems like you try to incorporate a rhyme scheme, but only in two lines, with 'will' and 'still.' I think the poem could be helped if you incorporated more of this scheme throughout, however, that's just my preference, definitely not a requirement.

Something I really enjoy is your use of colorful language such as 'fuck sake' and 'shite' in your last line. It brings a more realistic, down-to-earth feel to your poetry, as opposed to the flowery, ethereal feel that comes with a lot of prose like this.

All in all, I feel like this poem does a lot to explore some feelings related to depression, and perhaps even suicide, and it does it with some grace, although at times it manages to fall apart. I won't go to in detail on those parts, as I'm not confident enough in my abilities to make such a criticism, and I see someone else has explained it more thoroughly.

First poem I've written and just want to know if I'm shit or not to be honest

&amp;nbsp;

The man showed great persistence in justifying his own existence

Morn after morn, night after night, an existential fight

But the fight was lost along with the will

Sad story of a man, a halfway happy ending, at least he's now still

No suffering no pain although it's a shame I'm sure he's content with his eternal dame, the mistress of nothing, blackness... not a thing

No feel or fight, no sound, no sight, away he goes, towards the bright, white light; fuck sake, life can be shite

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8axudw/practice/?st=JFSTRYGY&amp;sh=b8aea516
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8aw1xh/no_title_im_telling_my_girlfriend_i_love_her_is/?st=JFSTSTFO&amp;sh=39ede3c2

Sad Man