Another unfinished poem
It starts with curtains of mist,
and pillars of smoke
supporting
despondent clouds.
Then time stretches-
an hour becomes a lonesome day.
Love becomes cheap wine,
friends, a bore.
And all conversations collapse
into sounds
lacking meaning.
Then words stray
at my desk,
losing their way-
never quite growing to become lines.
Posted Apr 15, 2018, 4:10 PM UTC
To be honest, this really doesn’t sound unfinished! I really like the enjambment; it makes the poem sound almost halting, like you’re trying to find the right word, but just can’t. Also, the spilled ink style really fits with the mood, and especially with the last couple of lines. The only criticism I would have would be to develop the metaphors just a little bit more.
"An unfinished poem..." I particularly like the metaphors you used. One critique may be the use of the word "then" again at the end of the poem, since you'd already used it before. It seems a bit awkward to end it that way, but maybe you had intended to do that on purpose, to make the poem seem unfinished. I enjoyed reading this poem. Much truth to it.
I really do love this poem. I agree with the other comments that your descriptions and metaphors are particularly clear and concise. I also agree it doesn't feel unfinished. However, I really want more of it.
I enjoyed the structure of this poem. The way the lines are written make it short and to the point pushing the theme of being unfinished.
"Love becomes cheap wine", sounds a bit like a chainsmokers chorus, but please don't take that the wrong way because it's a great line and it's stuck in my head.
Great poem. The metaphors have just the right level of clarity, and have a nice air of reflectiveness brought about by the topic of the poem. "Love becomes cheap wine" is beautiful, though I feel that "friends, a bore" could use more decoration. I feel the same with "sounds lacking meaning.", more so in fact, because I think there is a lot of room for devices there. Great work.