Source
r/OCPoetry•
Y1bollus

Petals on the track

Feedback Received!

With Mahogany Bark,

Like Mahogany skin,

Branches rise above the track.

We are both in winter.

Lightning strikes the ground

Held fast like burnt retina,

The colour of Mahogany.

 

Do you reach as spring arrives?

Do limbs shy when the train arrives?

Too high for outstretched arms

A pedestal of Mahogany.

We warm in the light,

You bloom into colour

As I shelter into gloom.

Tears fall

Like petals on the track.

 

I wrote this after reading u/TragicHeron poem, which can be found here. I really like that poem and it just moved me into trying something similar but different.

 

Here are my comments:

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Posted Apr 22, 2018, 10:30 AM UTC · edited

34
ArchiboldReesMogg•

Really nice poem, I enjoyed the repetition. Keep it up.

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paul_brennans_ghost•

This was pretty good. The extended metaphor was used perfected, it doesn't feel worn out by the end of the piece. I think this is because the poem constantly goes into detail about how the tree looks and its symbolism. This was a great read.

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alees0419•

Is there a reason why you capitalized Mahogany? It works to bring attention to it, but I'm wondering why you did so.

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Y1bollusOP•

Wish I could say yep that's it... but no. Just a mistake.

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