My [F, late 20’s] friend of 5 years [F, early 40’s] became angry and ghosted me after a misunderstanding. Am I wrong to consider ending the friendship?

Hey guys,

I’ve never felt the need to post here before, but today I had an “argument” with a long term friend.

We’ve known each other for 5 years. I’m in my late 20’s, she’s in her early 40’s and we always got along well. Most of our friendship was over text messenger, since we met abroad (expats).

I moved to her country around 10 months ago and we hung out like old times. I always felt she was a good friend, until recently when she asked for a work referral. I was happy to provide one, even offered to come down 2 hours to her town to hand deliver a referral.

She informed me a few days later that she didn’t seem to need a referral after all, and we resumed as before - sending messages every few days or once per week.

One day she sent me a few second voice message and then a cat video. In 5 years, we’ve never exchanged voice messages, so I assumed it was an accident, ignored it, and watched the cat video she sent. We don’t usually respond except every few days, so a few days later I messaged her about the cat video, asked how things were going with the job etc.

She did not reply. Since I am leaving her country soon, I messaged her again a few days later letting her know and asking if she wanted to hang out.

She didn’t reply again, but I noticed she was frequenting messenger. I messaged her one more time today asking if everything was okay and if I did anything to upset her. I couldn’t think of anything I could have done, but know the messages were being received.

She sent a lengthy reply almost immediately stating that I ignored her request for a referral, that she even left me a message, and then said that she doesn’t want to see me again because it’s too much money (I’ve offered to pay for her in the past, and am always the one to visit her so it’s not much distance either).

I apologized, said she meant a lot to me as a friend, and sent her screencaps of all our past conversations showing that the only message I received about a referral was that she didn’t need a referral after all.

She replied that the voice message WAS the message asking for a referral.

I apologized profusely, and told her how I assumed it was an accidental recording since we had never exchanged voice messages and she didn’t text me anything except a cat video. I told her how much she meant to me as a friend, told her how I always say good things about her to others (true), and that I hoped she understood my side.

She replied very coldly that she had moved on from the issue, and changed the topic to a guy she liked who is married with kids and on a few month vacation.

I commented that it was a long vacation, and she made a snide remark about how Europeans actually have a work-life balance unlike Americans (for reference, I’m American and had confided in her how some Brits had insulted me for being from the US).

Her comment hurt, but I ignored it and said that she deserved better than a married man, and could do better. I told her that she could talk to me about anything, even if they had already started seeing each other.

She replied that she would never have an affair, but would see how it went. This honestly made me question if this was just another dig at me, as one of my ex-boyfriends ended up having a wife abroad (why we broke up), and I’ve confided in her how much it hurt.

I’ve always viewed her as a close friend, and thought she was a chill person. Now I’m questioning whether to even remain friends. I’ve never had a friend treat me like this before. The conversation really ruined my day and in all honesty, it made me cry.

Tl;dr: Friend of 5 years asked me for a work referral. I enthusiastically replied yes, a week later she said she didn’t need one after all. Sends voice message and cat video. I assume voice message was accidental, since in 5 years we never exchanged a voice message, ignore it and comment on the cat video. Leaving country and ask to meet, she ghosts me until today when I ask if everything is OK and she tells me that I ignored her referral request (the voice recording) and basically goes at me. I told her I assumed it was an accidental recording and apologize profusely, letting her know how much I care about her as a friend. She acts snide with me, makes some strange comments, doesn’t acknowledge my side and now I’m not sure whether to even remain friends.

Thanks to everyone who answers this!