Source
r/OCPoetry•
Sheeps

Ill at ease.

Feedback Received!

Feeling restless. Feeling unsettled. Feeling ill at ease.

The cigarette smoke, the tears in her eyes; She’s feeling ill at ease.

Another hello, another goodbye; This is the life we lead.

And I can’t escape the feeling, that love lives so far away. And if I ever feel this lonely again dancing in a crowded room, I might just say goodbye and there might not be another hello.

But I can’t escape this feeling, that love lives somewhere in you. And I do it all for a lingering kiss, do it all for the scent of your hair. And because the first few nights, after you’re gone, it still feels like you’re lying there.

Another hello, another goodbye; This is the life we lead.

The cigarette smoke, the look in her eyes; She’s feeling ill at ease.

I’m feeling restless. I’m feeling unsettled. I’m feeling ill at ease.

http://reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8mj4wg/dont_ever_change/dzp0rr4

http://reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8mkb86/nymph/dzp0hi7

Posted May 28, 2018, 5:16 AM UTC

68
ty_tokyo•

I actually relate really closely to the imagery in this poem. Specifically the parts about being lonely dancing in a crowded room and "the cigarette smoke, the look in her eyes". Damn. Personally, the very first and the last line aren't necessarily needed to have the same effect, as I think the reader can infer some of those emotions given your tone and how you describe the girl. I love the "palindrome" type effect you have going on in this poem. I like how it moves from straight up desolation to something maybe a bit more hopeful, but how there's restlessness in both parts. Great style and very vivid imagery!

2
SheepsOP•

Thanks for the great comment.

Listen to “This is the Place” by the Talking Heads. It was what I was listening to when I wrote this, tried to capture the same feeling it evokes in me.

I do think that the first and last line might be a little repetitive or unneeded; it was almost like I was writing song lyrics, not a poem. I do that a lot.

2
ty_tokyo•

"And you love me till my heart stops... Love me till I'm dead". Yes. Love the Talking Heads.

2
SheepsOP•

Right on.

We must be pretty similar. (And we must’ve dated similar women hah)

1
ty_tokyo•

ahaha facts my man. Fuel for the creative mind

2
Cofcscfan17•

I like the rhythm of this poem. I'm still trying to decide if the repeated parts are strong enough to warrant repeating. It sounds definitely nice as song lyrics or something, but for poetry it borders on cliche. There are several moments where I wished I was hearing your unique voice, rather than a recycling of things I'd heard before. Like "dancing in a crowded room" has been used a million times, it is a good sentiment, but what can you specifically say that no one else would think of? Anyway, it's a nice poem. I relate heavily to the message of loneliness and love and trying to reconcile the two with someone else. And it's a lot like stuff that I would've written several years ago. Keep growing and keep creating friend.

2
SheepsOP•

I agree with every word of this. Wrote it while listening to a song late last night. Wasn’t happy with the life we lead line either.

First thing I’ve written since college many moons ago and was struck with the urge.

1
Waterlingue•

I want someone to make a song out of this. I hope you write music too :)

The middle part is quite complex and I wasn't sure if it balances out with the repeating part, but reading the poem again I understand that might have been done on purpose, to paint the "ill at ease" image. Starting flowy and using more general terms, just to dip into personal insights that are more complex and more real, and then finish the circle going back to the start. It's like a 'ease' frame for the 'ill' center. If that makes sense.

1