Repeating cycle of light / no light

Feeling so lonely — can't even write poems,

But I'll try nonetheless so future me knows this:

I went to a world of new people

just out of boredom, I guess,

or was at this point I already feeble?

Makes no difference in the end

for I replaced person I talked to

with the one I have left

And now I just want to undo what I've done

But how can I trust this broken version of self

When the whole me, clearly, decided to run.

(I really have have no grasp on what's going on

Can't think ahead, can't tell what is wrong)

If I pull the trigger — silver bullet kills me so quick

I'll feel good for a while, but then I'll wake up buried too deep

I'll feel even worse — another bullet to put me back to my feet

And again and again

Untill there are no bullets left and nothing to fix.

But there are options to that; should not be thinking too quick

For, what if being buried that long had taught me to dig?

True, I will never see daylight again

But I will toss all remaining shells

and live with the bullet in head

that relieved me from pain

But what if I refrain from the gun

and walk in the rain

Covered in mud I'll make umbrella of clay

Reach the first river, make myself clean

Then build a house in which I will lean

The rain might not stop

but it won't bother me in

And it all sounds good for one

But I have a feeling I had it before

So why can't I answer:

Where did it go?

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

[Foreign Water](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8qwkgs/foreign_water/e0mrdgk/)

[The Narcissist's Nightmare](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8qtm1c/the_narcissists_nightmare/e0movr3)