[1565] Blerg

Hello, I've been lurking here for a little bit, this is my first submission. I haven't written an actual story since high school, but I wanted to get better at writing, and the only way to get better is to do it poorly a couple times and getting destroyed. Critiquing is a good exercise too.

The title has nothing to do with the story, I wasn't sure what to name it, so if you guys have any recommendations, shoot them to me. The piece itself is conceptualized as the first chapter to a book, but I don't have any plans to actually write it, so the nonexistent book is more of a writing prompt.

I am particularly looking for issues with my style and awkward phrasing, particularly in descriptions. I want to write good pls. The piece is decently dialog heavy too, so if you have issue with that let me know. I also feel like I am moving between different states quite quickly, so am worried about that.

For characters, I am particularly worried that the man with the gun comes off as too "gung-ho". If you feel like he doesn't have enough natural human worry, let me know.

The primary idea in this "chapter" I am trying to deal with is power, with a sprinkle of religion. I am also trying to set the stage to deal with ideas of family (the overall "book concept" would be this guy returning the girl to her mother). I would like to know if that comes on too strong or too weak.

Thanks, and please rip me a new one

Chapter: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NE7PFq5K3ZPUmR3QN9xoCBrqzrtfB5F4iKIV4bX06AI/edit

Critque: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/8v4fo6/2259_the_things_we_hurt/