undeathlessness

i look in my own eyes
in the mirror of the bathroom
and i see through them a body shutting down
a brain sleepless yet stopping
and i wonder what it is to die

 

to cease

 

to unbecome

 

if in the moment i will go quietly
go gently as i have in life
not to cause a fuss
or
scream bloody murder of my own heart
kick out at santa muerte
as she smooths my hair
and cradles me like a child

 

and i see my body in the glass
the skin
pale
pallid
the small bumps and scrapes
signs of a life lived -
these bruises would not sprout
if there was not blood pumping beneath -
and i press my fingers to my neck
see the veins below the surface
to feel the knocking against my digits
of something seeking the sun
i bury them inside to pull out
a dainty
bloody
hummingbird
that flits away
and leaves me close to hollow

 

i wonder what it means to have a
hummingbird heart
and where the nest lies in me
i will shake and dither and skitter about
in search of a sweetness
that i can drain fully
and leave to go bad
i wear these colours
hues of jewels
to blur the frantic pounding of tiny wings
in the cooling air

 

and my thought is not done
before i am lying on the linoleum

 

losing a heart is death
but losing a pulse to replace it is not
i am in the in-between phase
where i am renovating the cavity
scooping out the weeds
what has invaded
and surveying the damage
but it grows back fast
and thicker than before
like hair
and denial
so i ignore the wildflowers
tangling in my ribs
and gaze at my heart
set my ladder on the walls
and begin to climb up
to see what i have to work with
a colony of hummingbirds
breathes in time with someone
so i press my hand against them
tiny
warm
feathered
and noticing my presence they stop in fear

 

i did not find a new beat in time
so here i am
sleepless and watching myself
seeing what is moving beneath my skin
without a pulse

 

what i am now is not alive or dead
stuck between the beats
with a promise of movement
not living
not dying
something between

 

undeathlessness

 

i set the mirror face down
and go back to bed

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/93m8zi/psychosis/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/93nfca/grieving_with_godzilla/