Source
r/MtF•
TGDev

[TW: Suicide] Not acting but really hurting

Dunno why, just felt like maybe posting would make me feel better. I don't have anything in particular to feel bad about except that I'm pretty sure my wife who has chosen to stay with me actually resents me, and is only sticking around to avoid embarassment of getting divorced after a year.

Just being hit with overwhelming sadness today and tonight, like big scary waves and keep thinking about killing myself so I dont have to feel or suffer or go through this shit anymore, cause im only 4 months into my transition and I don't feel like Ive made any progress mentally, socially or physically. I'm paralyzed with fear of failure, so I know its my own fault. Family is supportive, none of my friends know anything. I have to live like a hermit if I want to be me because of my wife's terror of me being killed if I go outside presenting.

So yeah, ill call someone if I feel like the urge is getting real serious but the ideations are in full force right now and i just want to feel something besides sad, scared or depressed.

Posted Aug 4, 2018, 6:13 AM UTC

175
im_so_confused123Kylie | pre-HRT | 32•

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and I wish I could do more to help. You can do this! I hope everything gets better for you soon :-)

<3

5
EcstaticCamera•

You almost certainly won't get killed. I know; it's happened. But millions or at least hundreds of thousands (depending on whose prevalence numbers you believe) have gone out billions if not more times with no or little incident. You can't let fear stop you from living your life.

You can't stay inside forever. The whole point is to transition, and that means going outside. Two things strike me about your narrative. First you say you think your wife actually resents you then you say your wife doesn't want you to go outside. Are you ready to go outside? My guess from your short narrative is yes. It also sounds like the next logical step as far as making progress goes.

It's not good for either you or your wife to repress anything. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you're going to have to split up. Otherwise one of you is going to force the other into repressing something intentionally or otherwise. Either you're going to stop transitioning, or she's going to sit around unhappy while you become someone she doesn't want to be married to. I suppose it's possible you could decide you don't want to transition or she could decide she's fine with your transition but neither seem likely.

1
Jamie_Ann_Mason•

I sympathize with you... I was with someone who resented/and hated me. It never goes away, and something you see on a daily basis as a reminder. You should talk with someone. The voices get louder, more clear, and all of a sudden you have a plan... Please, see someone... Jamie

1
Julie-h•

Find something to hold on to, something that will help you make it through this. I used to watch comedy in my dark times, I credit Gabriel Iglasias and John Pinette rip with saving my life. Maybe try some b12 as well, it can't hurt. Just make it until tomorrow, don't take everything at once and get overwhelmed.

1
intralizee27, MtF, HRT 27/11/2016•

Nothing is your fault.

1