Home on the River
The river synonymous to home
Remembering the way by a single tree
Guided by the river's holm
Traveling sea to river, river to sea
//
We glide around the river bend
The water smooth as glass
My body blanketed by the wind
Moving so fast
//
The music loud
The kids asleep
The parents plowed
The possibilities deep
//
A feeling I will never forget
These moments so serine
Calm moments were hard to get
Felt more like a lucid dream
//
Growing up a southern belle
I cherish that label
Now a Yankee, you couldn’t tell
But I am eternally grateful
Feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/94ngm1/angels_of_ash/e3ppjpp
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/945a19/the_old_crossroads/e3pqd9d
Posted Aug 7, 2018, 4:27 PM UTC
46
I think the first two stanzas are the highlight of the poem. I also like the format of the third.
As for the fourth and fifth, I think it would be great if you framed them through your experiences on and around the river (like maybe write about how the rivers are cold now in the north or something). You do such a nice job with the imagery on the river and it just kinda falls off later.
Also: The lines "These moments so serene**//Calm moments were hard to get" contradict each other. Do you just mean it was really active?
Nice job:)
Hmm, yes that would be cool to tie in the water in the north vs. the south. Great idea!
And no, I wrote this poem to actually go in a book I'm writing so it goes along with the chapter to say that the moments were serine on the river, but at home with family calm moments were rare. But I'm glad you pointed that out so maybe I'll add a line or two to make the connection more clear!
Thanks so much!
Alrighty, being part of a whole book definitely changes the dynamic of it--I would definitely clarify that one stanza though.