Freedom
Freedom from the incessant chatter of the mind
We must not intertwine
Our mind’s emotional charcoal
And the pureness of our soul
Our course we can control
If our hurt we do console
//
Now some is up to fate
And fate may make us wait
Problems we must endure
Before feeling secure
Before freedom is possible to procure
//
A mix of initiative and trust
An ability to adjust
All of which are a must
//
For it is happiness that we seek
A word for each is very unique
A word without which we feel weak
//
Until we achieve freedom from the mind
Until we enjoy being kind
Until we no longer feel confined
Then it is happiness we will find
//
Feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/95ji2t/cold_coffee/e3u8lm5
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/95e8bl/alien_world/e3s0jm2
Posted Aug 9, 2018, 7:39 PM UTC · edited
Sounded a bit unnatural. Got that you are going for a rhythm though.
Your rhyming is a bit inconsistent in that it doesn't seem to conform to a regular pattern. Something like a slant rhyme followed by four perfect rhymes followed by two then three and then three another three then four perfect rhymes.
Very is almost always a filler word. In this case I don't think you need it even for rhythm.
A word without WHICH we feel weak? Was a bit confused here.
The message seemed on point and clear enough. I think you may want to reimagine your form a bit.
Yeah, you’re definitely right about the form. I had it separated into stanzas originally but then decided to let it just flow together. And I like your suggestions for reworking some of the wording. I’ll have to do that. Thank you!!
My pleasure. Happy editing!