My [27 F] family does not approve of my relationship with my boyfriend [24 M] of 5 years, because he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I have been with my boyfriend (officially) for 5 years (going towards 6), but we have had feelings for each other for almost 8 years now.
Anyways, my boyfriend has always treated me wonderfully. I mean that, he is honestly one of the most selfless people I have ever known. He is constantly going out of his way for me, to help me however he can. He loves me unconditionally, constantly tells me how much he loves me, we're super affectionate like all of the time. He has a great job (his dream job, actually) and makes decent money.
We fully plan on getting married, no questions about it.
My family adored him.. until he was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder.
Now, he can do nothing right.. My family is Christian, his family is Christian, we're both Christian's, go to church, etc. They talk about how he probably does all sorts of thing that we as Christian's don't believe in doing.. and I 100% know he doesn't do these things.. but my family talks about how "He hangs around these kinds of people, you know he does it those things."
He started struggling with anxiety, and then he couldn't sleep, after that mood swings began and then he started hearing voices. It's intense, it's not something to take lightly, and we don't take it lightly.
But.. he has a psychiatrist/neurologist and a nurse practitioner to see when he can't see his psychiatrist. He's on anxiety medication and just start his bipolar medication two weeks ago.
Before he got things figured out.. we went through a rough patch, he wouldn't tell me what was wrong and did treat me pretty rough (NEVER anything physical) he was just moody.. from the mood swings, and kind of gas-lighted I used the incorrect term here, I looked up what gas-lighting is, and that is not what I meant sometimes and was just very emotional. I repeat, he was not abusive, just very moody and emotional.
Well, finally he told me what was wrong, we worked with him and his family and now he is on the road to recovery. I know it's not something that will go away, but is treatable. We both understand this.
With already being on his anxiety medication for a while, his attitude has improved immensely! He still has his moments of moodiness as he just started the medication for that, which so far he has had no negative reactions to it, bu his mood is improving and his anxiety is improving a great deal. He is trying so, so hard to keep his emotions under control, and I am just so proud of him, I really am. He is so much more like himself and I just truly, truly love him. If he does have moments of moodiness, I give him his space and within a little bit of time he will apologize and we move on from it and discuss what we can do to prevent it again like mature, reasonable adults should do.
But, my family refuses to believe that he is better and feels the need to constantly remind me that if I marry him, he will ruin my life. They tell me that my life will be nothing but taking care of a mentally unstable person, and I will become a recluse and hate my life and it will be absolute turmoil.
My mother told me she would not attend the wedding if we got married and that if I marry him, I am separating myself from my family because they will have nothing to do with us.
They have told me that they will not support us, that they think there is something wrong with me because I am staying with him.
They think he is ruining my life and making me depressed.. which is so far from the truth. Their constant berating him is what is tearing me down. It's not only offensive to my boyfriend, but they are offending me and it's so hurtful.
It doesn't bother my boyfriend because he knows they are toxic people, but I just do not know what to do because they so strongly disapprove of him because he's "mentally unstable" even though he is doing exactly what he should be doing to get better?
Just today.. my sister said that him being so affectionate shows how insecure he is because he's "mentally unstable" and that she, "100% promises me, that he's only that way because he is insecure..."
I tried explaining that, that is not the case at all, we both are very much in love and love showing each other affection.. it has always been this way with us, and people would always comment on that fact too, that it was almost a "throw-up-in-your-mouth cute" that we're still so affectionate. I honestly cannot understand her logic.
When I say that he absolutely can do nothing right.. I mean it. No matter what he does.. it's bad. They have made up their minds and they continue to harass me about how miserable I am gonna be if I marry him..
My mom is so worried that I'll marry him and so worried about what will happen if I do, she called my father (whom she divorced 8 years ago) and hasn't spoken to in like 6 years about it..
I am honestly so beyond flabbergasted.
I am a grown woman, I am old enough and totally in my right mind to make my own decisions. His family is SO wonderful to me and they are the sweetest people ever. I love being around them, they are shocked as well at how my family is being.
My family is very JustNo at times and full of narcissists (unfortunately, some habits I've picked up, but am working on), and are so incredibly judgmental it makes me sick to be associated with them at times.
They honestly are acting like I am in a relationship with a drug-addicted, physically abusive, piece of trash that doesn't do anything good from me.
I am not in any sort of FOG or "blinded" like they seem to think I am.. I genuinely love my boyfriend, he loves me and treats me wonderfully, especially given his circumstances. We have our moments like any other couple.. nothing outrageous, seriously.
I just do not know what to do anymore, I am so tired of my family referring to my boyfriend so horribly.
They would never say any of this to his face, or act like how they feel around them because they are completely two-faced. My boyfriend has offered to talk to them and explain everything about his mental health, but I know it wouldn't do anything because they have truly made up their minds..
any advice on what we could do?
Should I let him talk to them, should I sit them down and tell them to shut it (which I've already told them many times.) I have asked them that if they can't say anything positive to just keep it to themselves.. which they have.. but then they make passing comments that teeter the line of being negative.
I am at my wits end. They are making me depressed and feel like a total stranger in my own family. They have made my anxiety increase so much (which they say they notice it and know it's because of my relationship with my boyfriend. WRONG!!) They are making me feel this way, not him, and I have told them that, but they refuse to believe it.
Is there anything that we can do to make them stop?
TL;DR My family refuses to accept that my boyfriend is getting better and are constantly telling me how marrying him is going to ruin my life.
Posted Oct 15, 2018, 6:42 PM UTC · edited
> did treat me pretty rough (NEVER anything physical) he was just moody.. from the mood swings, and kind of gas-lighted me sometimes and was just very emotional. I repeat, he was not abusive, just very moody and emotional.
Gas-lighting IS abuse, OP. I know you are excusing it because of his diagnosis, but it IS abuse and of course your family is worried about you.
I had a boyfriend who had a psychotic break while we were together. I know what you are going through. And you are in for a VERY rough ride if he is schizo-affective AND bipolar. I also have a married friend who is bipolar. She has been hospitalized seven times during their 11 year marriage, and once, her husband had to leave with their child because she hurt him during an episode.
Your life is going to be very difficult, very unstable and very unpredictable. He may be managing well and seems stable, but it is almost a guarantee that he will be unstable and unpredictable at times. That is the nature of both of those diseases. Your family is, rightfully, very concerned about your quality of life if you stay with him. HOW they are expressing and addressing that is VERY not ok, but how they feel is understandable and probably pretty accurate.
How much research have you done into what life will be like with him? Have you talked to all of his doctors about the future with him? Have you joined a support group for yourself? My ex stabilized...for a while. And then he would have a manic phase, disappear, and cheat on me. Or get in trouble with the law. Or attack someone. ALL While MEDICATED and in treatment. During one schizo-affective episode he thought I was the whore of Babylon and tried to stone me. Quite literally.
We broke up eventually because he and I both realized that he would be healthier without me as I was associated with his psychotic break and initial illness, and my family was incredibly relieved.
I urge you to do a lot of research, talk to people, and get advice about what a future with him looks like. And I urge you to form firm boundaries with your family but also try to understand HOW worried they are about your future with someone so ill.
gas-lighting was the wrong term, I looked up what it was..
I guess what I meant was, he would get upset with me and be moody, then when I would give him space he would apologize.
I stick up for myself and do not put up with him treating me poorly. I put my foot down.
Gas-lighting is not what I thought it was, I apologize for using the incorrect term.
And yes, I have done copious amounts of research, we've discussed all possibilities. I have spoken to a therapist, and his doctors. We are doing everything we can to go about this is the right and responsible way.
I'm glad you're trying to be as informed as possible. Can you at least understand where your family is coming from though? I've walked in your shoes and the bad days can be...well, horrendous. And those bad "days" can actually be months at a time.