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Wonder_Muppet

[PubQ] Query Critique: The Last Errant, 87k Fantasy Western

Answered

Dear Sir/Madam

The Last Errant is a fantasy western of 87,000 words that combines the gritty violence and awe-inspiring landscapes of Blood Meridian with a decaying magical world reminiscent of Dying Earth.

The Barren is post-apocalyptic desert where wizards, knights and cowboys walk amongst settlements resembling those of Frontier America. Common folk do not see the magic of the Barren, and think it mostly mythology, but magic is all to real and the fates seen by prophets are set in stone.

Our two protagonists are Tyn, a farmboy whose dreams lie in the legends of the Barren, and Callun, a knight and grief stricken survivor of Myth -- the last great city of the Elderfolk. In their travels through the Barren as knight and squire they are joined by Avyrin, a wizard-prophet, and Saef, a housecarl who has sworn her service to Callun. They meet many challenges on the road, including savage demons, cruel assassins, canny wizards and even the wastelands themselves.

Please contact me on *** or reply by email on ***

Kind regards,

Name

My main questions are as follows:

  1. Is it a bad idea to focus on the world, instead the characters, first?
  2. Should I stick to my main two characters, and not include the two other protagonists?
  3. Do I hamper myself by referring to two vintage properties to explain the novel's genre? Blood Meridian (1985) and Dying Earth (1950-84) really nail the vibe of my book, but aren't massively popular or current. I don't know if I should try to describe the book well with apt comparisons that influenced me, or instead cite books that are more current and popular to sell the book as being more marketable.

Posted Oct 23, 2018, 7:15 PM UTC

413
Blacklark57•

So first off, as both a lover of fantasy and westerns, I love your idea here. I do feel like you could be mentioning the stakes here a bit more though, what the characters want and what stands in their way, that sort of thing.

Also, the official genre term you're looking for is Weird West.

Others more official than me probably know better about this, but you probably want to reference some more modern works that are actually in the weird West genre. Check out books like One Night in Sixes, or Silver on the Road. Even An Easy Death, although Charlaine Harris may be a little too well known for this. I know other weird West works, feel free to message me if you need more titles.

3
Wonder_MuppetOP•

Hey, I'm familiar with Weird West as a genre, but I decided to market it as Fantasy Western. It isn't a Western with other elements glued on like horror, sci-fi or etc, it's more like a fantasy book with Western elements added on top.

I will have a re-draft to look into the stakes, as well as look into those alternate mood suggestions though.

1
ryubyssss•

related to this, I had a problem with the query (that I did not mention in my critique) that I could not get a handle on the tone and approach of the book from the pitch. a good pitch always makes that clear, based on what details you decide to include and the manner in which describe characters, events and places.

2
ryubyssss•

I have a few suggestions and corrections.

  • Jack Vance published his first Dying Earth book The Dying Earth (note the "The"!) I think it would flow better if you wrote it out as "the Dying Earth cycle of Jack Vance" or "Jack Vance's Dying Earth cycle". as you said, I would limit the older books reference to one. go with the more tonally similar comparison and name a new book (or movie, etc.) instead. (you can name something else other than a book or series of books.)
  • "grief-stricken" rather than "grief stricken". or better yet, perhaps, use a less cliché way to put it.
  • "mostly mythology". weasel words like "mostly" -- avoid them!, unless going for a specific comedic and/or dramatic effect.
  • I would not use the word "farm boy" to describe Tyn. it makes your pitch sound generic. instead, describe him in some other way.
  • the last paragraph makes it sound like, "they travel the wastelands... and run into an assortment of fantasy stock characters*. get a little more specific in terms of how it affects them and spotlight the most interesting of these. you can just say "Really Interesting Character and others".

regardless, really sounds like a neat book.

3
BiffHardCheese•

  1. Yes

  2. Yes

  3. No

2
scribblermendez•

Is it a bad idea to focus on the world, instead the characters, first?

Yes. Characters and plot first, while you include hints about the plot.

Should I stick to my main two characters, and not include the two other protagonists?

I'd just make your query about one protagonist, and then at the end mention that your book includes three other protagonists.

Do I hamper myself by referring to two vintage properties to explain the novel's genre? Blood Meridian (1985) and Dying Earth (1950-84) really nail the vibe of my book, but aren't massively popular or current. I don't know if I should try to describe the book well with apt comparisons that influenced me, or instead cite books that are more current and popular to sell the book as being more marketable.

Yes, you hamper yourself somewhat. Can you possibly name one or two modern books your book is similar to instead? You can get away with one old comp title, but two is really pushing it.

Now my overall review: I like the concept of your book, but your query isn't so hot.

Choose one protagonist and make your query about them. Introduce the main antagonist who is working against that protagonist.

Explain the conflict between them.

Include some but not a ton about the setting.

Use at most two or three proper nouns. In your case you have a couple: the Barren, Tyn, Callun, Myth, Elderfolk, Avyrin, Saef. Also avoid using jargony lingo like housecarl.

The only reference to your plot you have is 'They meet many challenges on the road, including savage demons, cruel assassins, canny wizards and even the wastelands themselves.' This is boring. You are telling, not showing with this sentence. Reformat your query so it contains more action and less description.

2
Wonder_MuppetOP•

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to find one more modern title for the comp. Dying Earth is probably easier to replace than Blood Meridian.

I'll also play with introducing the antagonist and trying to include the plot more than setting.

I'm not sure how to replace housecarl, except with maybe "foreign warrior". I'll drop some of the other proper nouns, but most of them seem integral to what I'm trying to explain.

Could you explain a bit more of what you mean of showing, not telling during a query letter? I'm not sure if you've fallen into citing jargon here or I'm just failing to understand you. I'm obviously familiar with this during writing prose, but feel a bit lost about how I would do this in the amount of words we have in relation to a query letter. Do you have examples of other query letters which you feel draw out this distinction?

2
scribblermendez•

Showing, not telling: when you write stuff like 'savage demons, cruel assassins, canny wizards and even the wastelands themselves,' it comes off as a list and not as enthralling reading. You are aiming to create a query which is just as enthralling as your manuscript. Including a list like this reduces the immediacy and impact of your query.

If I were you, I'd choose one of these savage demons or cruel assassins, cite them as your antagonist and flesh them out so we can sink our teeth into them. Instead of creating a list of barely mentioned things, create one solid character who we want to read more about.

3
Wonder_MuppetOP•

Thanks. That makes much more sense. The singular wizard has the most teeth, so I'll spin that out into something more concrete.

2
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1
MiloWestward•

This is clear, which is about 92% of what matters. If an agent knows an editor interested in buying fantasy western, they'll probably request. If not, not. No reason to fuck around too much.

That said, if you lose Saef it's way too male. And I'd polish for style. 'All to real' should be 'all too real' or simply 'real'. 'Many challenges' is weaker than what follows. The adjectives for demons, assassins, and wizards are all perfectly unsurprising. Also, I'd give them a goal. In their travels through the Barren to achieve/reach/learn X. Doesn't matter much what X is, but a road trip needs a destination.

1
Wonder_MuppetOP•

All good points.

Avyrin is actually a female character, but wizard-prophetess sounds clunky. Any recommendations?

I will do the next draft with a goal in mind, and think about cutting the adjectives.

1
MiloWestward•

Mostly I just think you just need run it through the keyboard a few more times. Watch for cliches: gritty violence, awe-inspiring landscapes. The sentence beginning 'Common folk...' strikes me as unnecessary. And you need stickier conflict/goal moments and descriptions of characters.

The Barren is post-apocalyptic desert where wizards, knights and cowboys (at least two of these words are coded as gendered) walk amongst (is 'walking' the heart of what they're doing?) dusty frontier towns. When Tyn leaves his (type) farm for Cause X, Y happens. For Reason Q, he pledges himself to Callun, a knight and grief-stricken survivor of Myth -- the last great city of the Elderfolk.

Due to Consequence, a Personality housecarl swears her service to Callun, pledging to help him reach Goal. After Six-Word Summary of the Dramatic Incident Where They Meet Avyrin happens, the four companion decide on Commitment. If they don't succeed, Disaster.

2