Source
r/OCPoetry•
Halcyon1984

The Ghosts in the Garden

Feedback Received!

We are walking in the gardens,

the Ghosts are there

and my son asks

So what happened?

I said

We just stopped.

We ran out of ideas.

Out of energy.

We gave in to the distraction and pleasure of things,

until we were lost and trapped and enslaved.

While we looked away,

life was lost.

Only when, finally

we turned everything off,

did we see the Ghosts in the Garden.

And that was to late…

We sat on a bench made of stone

with the Ghosts in the garden

In silence,

not needing to speak

But then my son asked

Why doesn't anything work anymore?

I said

It never did

The things we valued

were wrong

The things that helped make life easier

stopped us living

Instead of being bored

We used people and places and things…

And then we could not be bored anymore

And all we had were the things

And there was no space anymore

And there was no time anymore

Befor the fall.

(In two thousand and twenty nine)

We  saw, too late, that the things were the problem

and that is why they don't work anymore

We worked a little

side by side

with the Ghosts in the Garden

between the rows of stumps.

Organising the gravel path

When my son asked

Why aren't there any more oak trees?

I said

There used to be many different trees

But then we cut them all down

To get to the coal

To plant different trees

To make furniture

To see the view

And then the insects died

And we found that you cannot dry oak tree seeds

You just have to look after the trees.

And In the end

my son asked

Why are there ghosts in the garden?

I pulled the rake through the gravel

and said

Stones hold the memory of every living thing

Every living thing is an agreement between us and the earth

When something dies,

When you kill something

What's left is a memory held in a stone

When the garden is empty

all you see are the memories

Shadows on a cave wall

A haunted garden

The light to bright from a dying sun

A haunted planet

(Realisation)

He was me

And i was  dead

and so was he

https://youtu.be/-gcsAxFUrqo spoken Version....

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9usqt9/where_do_i_go_from_here/?utm_source=reddit-android

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9us0f8/clarity/?utm_source=reddit-android

K

Posted Nov 6, 2018, 10:10 PM UTC · edited

26
superrealization•

I was thinking pretty early that it might be a bit of 6th sense story, but it didn't water down the flavor of the conversation going on - as the story was being woven - between a father and what sou dad like an year old kid. It had an autumnal feel to me although I don't remember a reference which is a good thing. When a scene plays out with a consistant overview in the mind of the reader , that only bodes toward a wider appeal. Honestly I said 8 for the kid because I heard the voice of that age in the questions . And. the autumn feel came to me the same way it hits me when I see a funeral burial going on on the rainy , cold , grey and dreary day where 50 0eople stand in that soup to say good bye and I always think that as miserable that is, it's more fitting than a bright , sunny day of spring. So right or wrong in my assumptions to your original. time or age., I still had strong mental optics in play .

2
Halcyon1984OP•

Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it, and its helpful to hear that you see a consistent image in my poem... Its the beginning of a journey for me still trying to find a way to voice what I see...

2
superrealization•

Well you might say the recognician of this was due to a recent gift I've been given. Poetry just falls out of me no problem always has songs but I was not a very good student in ADHD back when they just showed this to the back of the class so I put eight pages of my novel that I finally felt like was something my abilities are style away when I call it so I put some pages of it on my poetry page when I join Facebook 2 years ago and the people who Read itt and complimented me have chosen for people maybe a little more they almost always said the same thing they could see a movie Rolling by their eyes while they were reading. wow so then I look at my own writing in a different light and I realize it it wasn't just me wanting to see it it was there and so now I can see it in other people's writing with confidence and that was a gift that was given to me so I guess you could say I'm paying it forward

2
superrealization•

I

1
[deleted]•

I like this poem very much and had to listen to the spoken version also, which I must say I enjoyed even more. For some reason I enjoyed a lot the fact that the context of the poem was very difficult to wrap my mind around in the beginning, which made me want to read further. I did begin to get some kind of an understanding after I reached " Instead of being bored We used people and places and things… ". At this point I agree with the first comment that there is a dystopic vibe to the poem where I also get the feeling of an autumn afternoon. I believe maybe the son is with his father for the first time in the garden, since he asks questions that would be common sense to know of if being surrounded by death.

What spoke to me the most was probably the concept behind the poem. I feel like there is both an external and inner narrative in this poem where the external understanding (if taken literally) is that people have a self-destructive nature which goes beyond ourselves and others. I must say that my mind has not come to any conclusion of the poems inner meaning.

Only when, finally We turned everything off Did we see the Ghosts in the Garden And that was to late…

I hope that you could briefly explain which thoughts you put into this part of the poem. Is there any specific meaning behind it?

I like that you several times use capital letters, but I found it difficult to have a flow in the reading because of it. If there is not specific meaning behind them, it would be easier to read if they were removed, but the capital letters in "Ghosts in the Garden" is highlighting the phrase in a positive way. I also find it enjoyable that "We" starts with a capital letter.

I also have this feeling of rather the Ghosts being a visible illusion, they are the thought of our destrictive nature that we are reminded of, where the stone graves are the physical reminder of our wrongdoings.

​

2
Halcyon1984OP•

Thanks so much for your input... Some of the things you point out are more about my typing and formatting skills than anything else The capital letters are new sentences im affraid I will edit the post to correct it. Essentially this was sleays ment to be a spoken word piece but to post here i had to include the written version. But you really help me to see how import it is to use grammar correctly in poetry...

The line about us finally turning things off comes from a place of optimism I have the hope that we will realise that drastic changes in our behaviour must be made if we are to address climate change and the more broader threats to our ability to exist on this planet... I realised this through your comment I had first written something like "we eere made to stop" but it felt inportant to highlight two things..

1 The ghosts are in the garden right now and on some level we know that. 2 We are choosing to activly ignore them through distraction when can make a different choice (but its very hard work)

The poem came from so many places that when I wrote it was actually a quick process, I am trying to stop spending to much time editing and agonising over each word and concentrate on conveying a feeling I so like the images that ypu both see and that the dialog is so strong... Im really not sure about the last three lines they clunk!? but thats something aboutthe inner and outer dialogue its me realising that I can't "tell" this to anyone even my son but whats important is that he wants to ask the questions? Like i did with my father (who also clunked his way through his answers) you have really given me a lot to think about... Thank you so much

1