Milky Mornings

(Inspired by Dodie Clarks Secrets for the Mad)

(also I wrote this as a first attempt at spoken word so it's supposed to be read aloud)

What happened this morning?

It’s a question I often think,

and possibly think too often.

I don’t remember most mornings,

I never forget the cold ones though.

The ones where the world seems blue,

in a filter that screams every other morning isn’t real.

The filter rarely shows up,

but I hope it does,

when I can remember to hope.

I woke up today and could feel a sugary glaze over my eyes,

but it was more milky than blue.

I forget most mornings like this.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t have my morning shower to wake me up.

Or the lack of my morning walk to the refrigerator for a water bottle that I won’t drink.

Or weekends break from the morning drive to school.

Or it’s because I broke routine.

Maybe I only remember the routine because it is routine.

I wish this morning was colder.

Because on days like this where I don’t have my checklist and I don’t have the blue;

I have this blur.

Where my eyes don’t quite wake up,

and parts of me stay asleep.

The surroundings never quite go into focus.

It’s like someone covered my right eye in a film,

that dulls the corners and sharpens doorknobs,

and adjusted the aperture on my left eye,

so I can only see into surreal realities.

On days like this my feet are cold and then they are numb and then they are so numb they ache like someone is pulling the heat from my body and pushing it all to my head.

On days like this the world becomes too much.

Or maybe it already was too much but I can’t remember why until suddenly I am somewhere,

but it’s in my head,

I know,

because it has that circle of daydream leaking into the corners.

I hate when that happens.

Because those are the only times I can feel on days like this.

But they’re never quite dreams,

they’re always things that might’ve happened or might happen later.

They’re predictions, like a fortune teller.

They remind me constantly of my past and my expectations for the future.

I’d say I really need a coffee but I forgot it makes me sick, too much creamer.

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