So many changes, so little rest...

I just moved into a new apartment this month. My roommate and I barely know each other, but we’re cool. It’s just the $800 before utilities and Comcast is higher than any bill I’ve ever paid before. At 27 I feel a little behind, but I’m also not sipping tea with Elon Musk, so I oft get caught between unrealistic expectations and belittling my own accomplishments.

I’ve learned a lot in the past couple years. Got dumped by somebody I became obsessed with (only after the breakup), and hated who I was so much that I wanted to end it all. It has been very difficult not having all the answers, not acting the right way, and being aware at how selfish I was for not getting who I wanted. What at one point felt uncontrollable and unbearable, I now feel has wisened me at least a little bit today.

I still avoid intimate relationships (dating) because I want to ‘get my money right’ first. Of the two stable relationships I’ve had as an adult, one ended because I was in school and wasn’t accessible enough for the other person (and a few other deal-breaking factors) and the aforementioned relationship I feel ended because I wasn’t financially capable enough (amongst other significant factors, one being me needing to improve myself).

In three quick and rather bland years, I’ve gone from working two restaurant jobs to pursuing the Brand Ambassador industry and putting myself in considerable debt. I’ve graduated with an associates degree in May of last year, but I can’t afford to go back to school right now, so I’ve been clawing for a balance of “self-taught” coding resources.

I’m afraid that I will fail, but that fear also heavily influences my habit of not failing. I chose living freedom over living with my grandparents, because at my age I DON’T want to have to live at home. Plus, they smoke, have a cat I’m allergic to, and seeing my grandmother nearly die a few times now pierces my heart with the strength of an anchor.

My grandfather is in very poor health, and my old boss recently recruited me for an IT job.

While in 2016 I worked nearly 50 gigs (selling alcohol, protein bars, repping random brands like AAA, Naked Juice and Fidelity), last year after deciding to pursue a computer science degree, I was hired to represent a computer company.

When I started, I had no clue what a CPU was. I worked part time and since have been 2x employee of the month. Because of them, I have flown to various cities when before this I had never traveled by plane before. Since last February, I have become full time and am just able to pay all my bills and save a little bit.

But the job drives me crazy with its miserably boring downtime, and I can’t help but to feel like I’m wasting away my youth.

Today I received a job offer, my first tech opportunity, and I am currently negotiating $1 than I make currently. To make more in a full time internship than a full time retail job is my justification for taking this calculated risk. I will have to abandon my coding free time in large part to adjust to this new city I live in, this new job which promises to be rather taxing, and the transition from driving cross state, to commuting via bus and train each day.

I feel like I am heading in the right direction, but truly I just want to be able to afford financial independence. My roommate is cool, so my extra $ I could invest in health insurance, a personal trainer, etc. and that’s what this opportunity presents — a potential salary job down the road.

I usually work 5 days a week but sometime with reports it always feels like six. In the past three months, my grandmother almost died again, so a lot of my otherwise free or coding time was dedicated to emotionally supporting my family and being with them. Last week was my first day off in ten days, yet anxiety kept me up all night, so I went to the interview with two hours of subpar sleep.

Even today, reading a book all day, I’ve had recent encounters with acid reflux. Ever since having a coffee this morning, I’ve been unable to feel good or lay down until around an hour ago.

I’ve known for ten years that this is what adulting would feel like. You get old, but you get old quick if you’re depressed and imbalanced. Plus if you’re living a life that you hate, that wears on your soul like a flesh eating virus. Little by little.

I’m going to get this internship. I’m going to exceed their expectations. I’m going to utilize the benefits and right my health, while trying my damnedest to stay relatively fit and eat healthy in the meantime.

I’m eventually going to avail myself for chances to feel love again, but that character I at times aspire to be, the one collaborating with the world’s innovators, the one who doesn’t get dumped because he satisfies his SO’s needs, he is not yet I.

I will finish this book and continue improving my ability to focus in depth on one task for long periods of time.

I will plan smarter and visualize more, as to improve my memory, reduce my distractions and vastly increase my abilities to pay attention and concentrate.

I will continue to be there for my family, and will find contentment after tragedy, because even if I lose another family member this year, this is the rent we pay to live, and gain would not be understood if loss did not exist.

I will have a myriad of days ahead of me where my energy and mental sharpness are envied by the trailblazers of society. I will come full circle with some of my demons, and help them become better people if only they lay down their swords.

I have become a better person and will continue to do so.

I might clean the oven tomorrow though.