Source
r/selfimprovement•
Octolated

Getting older and seriously have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this. I'm 36 and stuck in a perpetual cycle of failure I can't seem to get out of. My whole life I've floated from dead-end job to dead-end job, and I'm worried I'm going to be trapped in poverty until I die. I struggled academically growing up.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and was medicated until middle school. My parents took me off medication in my teens and I stayed unmedicated until the age of 32. Without medication my short-term memory is horrible, and my long-term memory is almost non-existent. I suffered from extreme mood swings, anxiety, impulsivity, and severe depression. I barely obtained my diploma, have been in and out of college six times, and could never hold onto a job for more than a year.

Four years ago I managed to hold onto a job long enough to obtain health insurance. I've since gone back on medication, and have regular behavioral therapy sessions. I've managed to keep my current job for nearly four years now, I'm finally able to commit information to memory and actually recall that information correctly, my mood is stable day to day, and I'm doing what I can to make up for the time I've lost. My problem is I don't know what I'm actually doing.

I've discovered I like to solve problems. I also like physical work where I'm constantly moving while thinking. I like electrical work, building and repairing circuits, soldering components, that sort of thing. I took a job awhile back as a small electronics technician. I enjoyed the work and was very good at it, but the pay was terrible. I still do the odd repair job here and there on the side, but I don't know what to do from here. I'd like to go back to college, but I have no idea where to start, or if I can even enroll given how poor my academic record is. I feel like I've made so much progress, but I burned all my bridges before I could even get to this point.

Essentially, I'm 36 years old, stuck in poverty, just now realizing I actually have the potential to do something worthwhile with my life, but I have no idea how to even realize that potential. I'm afraid I don't have any options left anymore. What can I do?

Posted Jan 2, 2019, 11:27 AM UTC

1315
ricorgbldr•

Sounds like you need to find your local trade school and become a licensed electrician. Probably take a few months, and then you're in a new life.

12
ricorgbldr•

Also, unless you've tested old bridges, don't assume they are burned to the ground.

9
iallenbred•

To add to this: it's often possible to rebuild bridges if you actually understand what you did wrong and can humble yourself enough to show you've changed. It takes time and doesn't always work, but it's possible to reconnect if you're sincere about it.

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1
energexer•

Create a long term game plan to be where you want to by 40. With maturity on your side that stems from past decisions you should be able reach your goals. If you get thrown a curve ball, keep swinging.

5
zerodean•

First, it's important to recognize is that failure is not, in itself, a bad thing. It is possible that failing numerous times in life can ultimately lead one to the success they are after. And by that same token, there are people who succeed repeatedly only to be left unsatisfied and miserable (especially if what they achieved was "easy").

Failure pushes us outside of our comfort zone and, if we use it, it can actively aid us in becoming stronger, wiser and more resilient to the challenges that life puts in our path.

The fact you are aware of the discrepancy between where you are and where you want to be is a good thing. I know it is also the source of stress & unhappiness, but understand that those things are also going to push you up and out of the "hole" you're in. If you were content with where you are or how your life is going, you wouldn't have the drive necessary to change your life.

But based on your post, I can see that you do. So that's something to actually feel good about. Because regardless of where you are, you won't be there forever (ie "this too, shall pass"). Yes, it's going to take some effort, but the fact is, you are not locked in place. There are steps you can take that get you unstuck from the patterns of your life and taking steps towards where you want to be.

And the moment you start seeing progress is the moment you be encouraged to keep going. It may not seem like it now, but you'll get there.

You like to solve problems? This is excellent. Because I've got one for you... I want you to consider what direction you actually want to head in life and write down all the possible things you can think of to do that. This won't solve your problems, but it will show you that there are things you are not doing that you could do to get yourself unstuck.

What you want is movement and momentum in your life. And to get it, you first have to see that significant change is possible. And next, you need to start taking action to create movement. And from there, take more actions to get momentum. The beginning is usually the hardest.

I know you're not looking for an instant fix, so this is for the other people reading... No one is going to solve your problems for you. If you want to get from where you are to where you want to be, you have to start taking steps to get there. And for each person, it’s different.

And this takes time and effort. It means doing things differently than you have done them. It means entertaining other ideas. It means venturing beyond your comfort zone. It means challenging your existing beliefs and trying things you haven't tried before.

Because the fact is, if you are not satisfied with where you are, it is very unlikely that you are going to get more satisfied by doing the exact same things you've been doing, or worse, nothing.

4
OctolatedOP•

I agree with everything you've written here. This is something I've been working on in therapy. I refuse to play the role of the victim, and I recognize that I've developed a strong fear of failure due to my past experiences. You're absolutely correct that change won't come overnight, I've come to terms with that, and accept it. I suppose most of my anxiety comes from myself. There's still a big part of me that doesn't believe I can do this, but I can't keep living this way.

3
zerodean•

Self-doubt is a hell of a demon. Our brain can be one of our biggest supporters or one of our own worst enemies. One thing that will be of benefit to you is to recognize your self-defeating thoughts and deflect them.

It's important to recognize that the brain goes with what it knows. And that our patterns of thought are exactly that, patterns. Your brain will always seek out well-worn patterns of thought. And if those patterns of thought are self-doubting and self-defeating, those are the patterns you need to create new pathways for.

Thing is, your existing patterns of thought will likely never be erased completely (that's not how the brain works), but you can actively work on building better patterns of thought. And even if your automatic response is to go with a previous well-worn pattern, you can catch yourself doing it and redirect yourself to thoughts that actively work *for* you rather than against you. But it isn't easy. And it takes a lot of attempts and a lot of practice, but it can work.

You wouldn't put up with a friend who continuously told you that they didn't believe in you or what you want to accomplish, so it makes no sense to put up with that from yourself. You're not going to stop your brain from self-doubt, but you can eventually learn to say, "shut up" and redirect yourself to more encouraging thoughts.

The fact is, your life isn't over and there is so much you can still do. No, things you want to do may not be easy to accomplish (and you may continue to struggle for a while), but doing something that gets you closer to where you want to be will ultimately be far more rewarding than doing nothing. And you'll be thankful to yourself for doing it.

Seriously, you got this.

3
OctolatedOP•

I'm slowly learning to overcome my fears. I've learned to take a step back when I start to feel overwhelmed, logically think through what is causing me to feel that way and deal with it. The other day I finally got around to fixing an old monitor I had given up on. Identified and pulled some blown capacitors on the power supply pcb. Matched the specifications on the wraps and replaced them. To my surprise it's now working as good as new. Little victories like that keep me going.

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Midday35•

I highly recommend Jordan Peterson's self authoring program. I've done it twice and it truly helped give me newfound clarity and focus in regards to my academic and professional future.

Best.

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1
Astyryx•

oops my comment got taken off for a link. Check out the blog Wait But Why and the post choosing a career. Then take a day and work through it.

1
redpenny1•

Get coaching.

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