desire to expose the narcissist - is this a stage of healing?
hi, my N discarded me about 7 months ago. Well, he told me he could use me as a sex slave and I could live separately and then when I needed to do my laundry I could come over and give him sex in exchange for use of a washer and dryer- and then maybe a month later he went on one date and found a new supply and then he discarded me for real.
In the process, he convinced me that I had borderline personality disorder and when he discarded me I apologized to his family and friends for being abusive and terrible.
I'm now coming out of the fog and seeing that my lashing out was when I was completely exhausted and destroyed emotionally after trying really hard to be what he wanted and being told I didn't take care of him and that I was a bad person. so, protesting basically.
I'm having fantasies of telling his parents that I don't have borderline personality disorder and really he just abused me. But what will that accomplish? Is this normal that I want to expose him? Why does it seem so pressing to expose him? I have no idea what benefit I would get from it.
(edited spelling)
Posted Jan 19, 2019, 12:25 AM UTC
The parents know.
He didn't learn to ask for "slavery in exchange for laundry room" without having awful behavior in his formative years. He didn't just come up with that. That's years of behavior in the make.
The parents already know, and they did nothing to help you. This family system is toxic. Abusive families circle around and protect the abuser. Plus, even if they know he's lying, he'd keep lying, and they'd keep acting like they believe him. It's a toxic family system.
You crashing through saying, "Look at what he did!" is going to be something you'd regret, it would impair your healing, and you'd go back into a holding pattern, stuck, with this guy and his family living rent free in your brain.
There's a part of the brain that deals with even-ing things up, with justice, with fairness. So it's basic biology to want to settle the score, after being wronged. And that's a basic part of the justice system, restorative justice.
We can also veer off into Schadenfreude, and vengeance, though. And here, there's no score to settle. It would hurt you, and expose you to more hostility and abuse. So that seems like more of a spite, of a talionic impulse, an eye-for-an-eye. You'd hurt yourself to get even. And in the end, you wouldn't feel any better.
So good job recognizing your urges before you do something you regret. Don't do it.
No contact, self-care, therapy. Side bar info.
I'm sorry you dealt with this guy.
thanks. I basically just figured out how abusive the situation was about three weeks ago. still figuring it out. also, blaming myself for getting into it in the first place, not leaving.. etc. A lot of what is happening now is I'm doing nothing- and noticing what I want to be doing. and still doing nothing. it will pass.