tenthousandseconds

It's been over a year since the Narc I was with discarded me.

I can't even begin to describe how different my life is now and also that I'm still healing- so I wanted to write to you brave and beautiful people about this process.

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If you have ever tried meditation you know you can sit there and watch your thoughts roll through your mind like a train. As you start "thinking" you can label a thought "worry" or "anxiety' and allow that thought to float away.

The same with abuse and your daily life. When you find yourself doing behaviors that only make sense because you were abused- label it abuse and try a different behavior.

For example: When you find yourself not feeling lik

I've been trying to really love myself. I set up a corner with some books, I've been listening to podcasts (Tara Brach, Liz Gilbert.. ) playing my singing bowls and trying to eat real food when I do have the energy to eat.

Today I went for a 30 minute walk and afterwards my chest hurt. I felt a burning sensation in my chest and in my arms and like I could hardly stand or lift my arms to bring glass of water to my mouth.

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I've had this sensation before- and it was usually after an argument with my narc ex. somehow whatever happened became my fault and I would spend sometimes days apologizing. and then trying to make it up to him. He would even say things like "You only liste

hi, my N discarded me about 7 months ago. Well, he told me he could use me as a sex slave and I could live separately and then when I needed to do my laundry I could come over and give him sex in exchange for use of a washer and dryer- and then maybe a month later he went on one date and found a new supply and then he discarded me for real.

In the process, he convinced me that I had borderline personality disorder and when he discarded me I apologized to his family and friends for being abusive and terrible.

I'm now coming out of the fog and seeing that my lashing out was when I was completely exhausted and destroyed emotionally after trying really hard to be what he wanted and being told

My love, It's been a few days and I'm struggling a little less, accepting that this is my life without you. At first I couldn't stop negotiating with the days leading up to losing you. What I could have done differently. Is it my fault? Did you know my love for you everyday throughout our years together. I cried your name in the car, for hours, rushing back to you. My little Octavia No no no My little Octavia On vacation during your last breaths, the guilt. I'm going to try to convince my brain that Christmas it the most magical time to die. The house was lit with twinkling lights and across the way through the window The enormous Christmas tree. I imagine your little squeaks as you plumpe

I just found this subreddit and I'm so excited!!! Hello.

Back ground: I am a 38 year old massage therapist and business owner. The week before I had my first costo attack (I'm calling it that- don't judge) I was hiking in a smokey forest fire area of Montana and then flew many times and then hiked some more in Joshua Tree National Park. Leading up to it I was running 10Ks 2-3x a week, yoga daily and lifting 20lbs or less mostly upper body work because of what I do I try to keep my shoulders strong. When everything went to shit I thought I was dying.. Blah blah blah.. Here I am!

I've recently decided to stop giving a fuck about the pain and have launched myself back towards health becau