Hi guys. How do I (NB afab) support my younger sibling (afab trans...?) who is considering surgery? Details below...

Hi everyone. TLDR ... I'm not out to my sibling but I just secretly had top surgery last month. He's out to me and wants top surgery but has only recently learned of it. How do I support him and help him make the right decisions when he's still early in understanding his identity?

Longer version....

So, I'm trans, and I've known since ages that something was different about me. But it really solidified around 2012/2013. I had the opportunity to pursue various aspects of medical transition, but I didn't, because I wanted to be certain. I also did not fully socially transition and I never came out to my family. In 2016 I left the United States and spent 7 months living abroad. During this time I was out, using my chosen name and it was the best time of my life. I felt free, and even when I was misgendered I didn't care. I stayed in mens dormitories, used my chosen name, and never bothered coming out. I just ignored anyone who challenged me. I returned to the States, and the closet, and spent the next several years saving up for surgery I had come to understand that I did in fact need. I planned my surgery timeline, went through consultations, met with surgeons, etc... I did all this again without ever coming out to my family. Three weeks ago I secretly had top surgery. It went really well and from the instant I woke up onward I have been absolutely at peace and filled with understanding that I made the right decision. I will be leaving the country, this time for a year, in a few days. I am technically still closeted to my family.

Including my younger sibling. He has been using a name other than his birth name for years now. It started as a nickname and the family slowly began to pick it up. Starting in 2017 he began to use different pronouns and 'switch around' with pronouns. More than 4 months ago he came out as genderfluid, and he currently uses he/him pronouns among friends. He still isn't out to our parents. He told me today that about 1 month ago, when he realized top surgery was an option, he decided to pursue it - and is hoping to have that done within the coming few months. He's currently doing research and preparation for getting a consultation and has already selected a surgeon. He has expressed hatred and disgust towards insurance companies requiring RLE for surgery approval, and has not made efforts to find a gender therapist to talk about dysphoria and how to alleviate it. He gets defiant and defensive when I ask to talk about this stuff, and shuts down. But he's certain, and has made a decision to have surgery. I'm really proud of him taking such a big step towards his goals and happiness.

My sibling coming out to me left me feeling a little shattered. I want my sibling to be happy, because there's no-one I love more in the world. I also feel incredible crushing guilt at never coming out to him and never being there for him during this process, because I know our family and I know how painful it was for me and how lonely I felt. I am also uneasy because I know that we trans folk are very statistically rare, and as soon as my sibling came out I began to question if my identity was valid.

I'm also worried because things are happening really really fast for him. I know that for many people, realization of and crystallization of trans identity can happen quickly. But I know how similar my sibling and I am, and I suspect our experiences of transness might be similar too. Back when I was first considering transition years ago, the procedures/aspects I wanted are very different from what I want and have pursued now. And I am so, so, so very glad I waited, because at that time I didn't understand myself well enough to not make a mistake. I forced myself to wait after deciding what I wanted, to make sure that I really wanted it - and that enabled me to change my mind and make the right decisions.

Please understand I don't doubt my sibling at all. I'm thrilled for him and so proud I can hardly express it. But I want to help him and guide him to making the right decisions for himself. I'm just not certain how to do that. How do I explain that while I know each day without gender confirmation surgery is painful, he can't rush into it? How do I tell him that taking the time to transition socially, come out to family, and work with a therapist on understanding the roots of his dysphoria makes a gigantic difference in his happiness and quality of life? How do I help him explore what he's feeling so he can solidify his goals and have realistic expectations? Most importantly, how do I come out, apologize for closing myself off and never being honest with him? I want to help him, but I don't know if I'm the right person.

Thanks everyone.

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p.s. to my other sibling, if you see this, sorry for not telling you, and feel free to message me if you have any questions!