Source
r/Anxiety•
PrettyInteraction62

I'm a failure

Work/School

I am studying abroad at the moment in Spain. There are four other girls from my university in Ireland studying here too. I'm not really friends with them, but they all live together. I got my results back from my Christmas exams and I failed all of them. Throughout the semester my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even leave my room, let alone go to class. I couldn't even check my emails because I was so anxious. I feel like a failure and I let every body down. I don't know how I'm going to make up the credits this semester. I physically won't be able to. I talked to my academic coordinator back in Ireland and she said that if I have documentation proving I have anxiety, I can maybe be excused for not making up the credits but I don't know. The worst part is that in Spain they publish everyone's results in a spreadsheet so everyone can see what everybody got. It's so embarrassing. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of my anxiety getting in the way of everything. I hate being a student. I can't even put into words how much I hate it, but I have another year left and then I have to do a master's to do the job I want. I'm starting to think it was a mistake coming here because if I had stayed in Ireland, I wouldn't have been such a miserable failure. I don't know what to do and I just want to go home.

Posted Feb 6, 2019, 5:49 PM UTC

2010
the-swell-guy•

Everyone has their setbacks in life. This semester will be part of your story, and in the future, you are free to make any choices that you want.

Maybe going back home is what you really need. Maybe the air in Spain is a little bit too dry for you. Relax and find yourself

2
KMFDMegalomaniac•

Ahh friend I’m sorry :( it’s okay. School sucks I know! I hate it too. The stupid school setting is no place for us when we have anxiety, depression etc. Thankfully I should finish this year. Follow what you feel is best. If you want to go home maybe you should. If it will make you feel better. Don’t worry about the stupid spreadsheets and the other girls. That is a waste of your energy. Being miserable like this is no bueno friend. It’s not healthy for you

1
rezia7•

Internet hugs for you if you want them!
I'm sorry, this sounds really tough. You are not a failure, you are just going through a really hard time. Let me repeat, you are not a failure.

It does sound like something has to change, though. Do you have a counselor or therapist you can see while you're in Spain? If not, can you set up a remote call with someone in Ireland?
Is going back to Ireland an option, or do you have to stay in Spain for the rest of the semester?

By the way, you snuck it in there, but I'd like to point out that you talked to your academic coordinator! It's great that you did that and I could see myself being extremely anxious about having to make that call, so kudos for you for taking that step.

1
Unimprester•

Hey friend,

You tried, and that's much more than many can say. I am positive that the uni there has a councellor, I know it's hard, but seek them out. Even just by email would be good.

You're a brave person for going out there and that braveness will get you very far in life. Anxiety will slow you down for a bit, but that doesn't matter in the rest of your life. Important thing is to seek help and be kind to yourself.

PM me if you feel like it

1
exodusTay•

I am sorry you had to go through this. I had a very similar case aswell, spent 25 weeks with campus counsellor and almost extended by one semester because I could not go to classes aswell, had to convinve the proffessor to atleast let me take the final and subit my project.

I wanted to go to masters aswell but my one of my proffessors refused to give me a referance letter so I ended up looking for a job, which has been going over a year with no end in sight as of now.

However next week I am starting a masters program that didn't ask for referance letters. Also I feel like having done several job interviews helped a lot with some of my anxieties about them. I still don't(can't) think highly of myself after failing this hard at school, not only failing parents but my own dreams aswell.

However you have to realise that you are going through an intense period of stress and anxiety, what you imagine the state of things right now isn't as terrible as you think they are. Looking back now things were really not as bad as I imagined them to be.

1
IShipMyself•

First of all, sending love from a fellow Irish wan. I never did the whole college thing, for several reasons, mainly because anxiety made me fail the LC. So I dont really know how it works, but if its possible to be..excused or whatever because you werent coping then do it. It can only be a good thing. Seriously. If you can continue on and maybe avail pf counselling or whatever help your college provides, then take it and run with it. Iv only been going to counselling for a few months now and I have years of trauma to work through. So its never too late or to early ha. Consider your options. Minus the emotions if possible. Figure out a Plan A, B and C. Then rock it.

It sounds like you maybe wanna hang out with the other Irish girls. Have they reached out to you at all? Im sure you could invite them for a pint or to watch an ole Irish film or something. Maybe Father Ted or that sorta thang. Heck maybe ask a bunch of the locals and educate them on our humour.

Anyways, good luck, take a breath, pet a dog/cat, take a bath and think.

1
PrettyInteraction62OP•

I don't know how I passed the LC. I was only in school for 20 days in sixth year and didn't do a tap of study. The rest of the time I spent in hospital or sitting in my room too afraid to even leave my bedroom to go the the toilet. It was fucking horrendous. I've been on to my GP in Dublin who is understanding and I'm sure she'll provide documentation because she's known about my mental health problems since I was a kid.

Yeah, they've reached out to me a few times. I've gone for pints with them a few times. Some of them are gaeilgeoirí like myself. I don't have anything against them, but I don't fit in with them. I don't know how much of this is my anxiety speaking, though. Part of my anxiety is about feeling like I don't deserve to be in college and I'm always afraid people are judging me for my scauldy accent. One of the Irish girls made a cheeky comment about where I'm from and implied that I only got into college because I'm from a "disadvantaged area". Took every ounce of strength in me not to bite her head off. The only reason I didn't was because I knew it would prove her point that I'm some wan who doesn't deserve to be in college with her.

I'm terrified of going to counselling. I went to Pieta House for a while a few years ago but there are so many things I'm not ready to face yet. When I told my boyfriend about the most traumatic things that happened to me, I had to write him a letter and make him promise to flush it down the jax when he was finished and never mention it again ever. I don't know how I'd be able to talk about them with a stranger.

Ugh, I'm shiting on now. I just don't know who to talk to. My poor mammy was nearly in tears when I told her how shite I'm feeling. I don't feel comfortable enough with any of my friends here to talk to them about how bad I feel and my boyfriend is away at the moment and has dodgy wifi. Part of me just wants to get on the next plane to Australia where my boyfriend is from and never come back to shite Ireland and shite Spain ever again. I realise that's just running away from my problems which isn't good, but it's the only thing I can think of to make me feel better.

1
IShipMyself•

Wow. 20 days. I think I missed 3 but I went to school to get outta the house soo.. If your health problems are well documented then that will certainly help you.

I think everybody who is depressed or anxious etc beleives that they arent good enough. I certainly do. I mean Im currently in a weird official/unofficial cross-border LDR with a beautiful man Iv known for like 7 years and he is the brightest thing in my life but theres an evil voice in my head that tells me I dont deserve nice things and he doesnt actually like me. Which is bonkers bc Im a header and he is not patient enough to put up with me unless he liked me. Let alone the whole making future plans together thing.

Yepp. Everyone is. OMG what if they think Im a psychopath/narcissist/something else. Iv done some fucked up shit because other people did fucked up shit to me...and I feel HORRENDOUS but still..dont want to talk about it with a stranger. I totally lucked out with my guy actually. The first time I saw him I thought ohshitsilverfoxtotallymytypeinolderguys lol So I talk in tangents when Im nervous. I ramble. I get philosphical. I talk complete shite, basically. But he listens, talks to me and eventually after a total waste of oxygen I give him a lil nugget. Then he blows my mind with his take on my worry/problem. I doubt any shrink would expect you to bare your soul the first time, or six. You wont know unless you give it a chance.

I mean, Iv been fairly honest with my parents the last 2 years, mostly because they literally saved me from a toxic house when my agoraphobia kicked up something awful. But they still dont 'get it'. If Im having a strong physical symptom of anxiety > strong chest pains Mam will ask whats wrong, Ill say stress or nerves, she asks what Im stressed about. That to me is nuts. Im always stressed. Im always depressed. Im always in pain. Etc etc. Is everyone else not like that? :O

I dont know your circumstances, maybe if you go to Australia everything will work out like magic. Or go down the shitter. Who knows. Youll have to figure that out for yourself.

Either way, I wish you the best.

1
BeeBeeBooBooBeeBoo•

You are not a failure. You’re away from home in a foreign country while taking college courses. College can be challenging enough when you’re five minutes from home and you have your support system nearby.

It sounds like this might be a common situation given that your advisor mentioned you might be pardoned if you can obtain documentation verifying a diagnosis. Can you maybe talk to your advisor again to see what kind of resources this campus offers in the way of mental health? That way you can seek some help from a professional while you’re abroad.

I hope you find some peace and comfort soon. Be proud of yourself for leaving the safety net of your home. That’s a huge achievement in and of itself!!

1
kappalightchain•

Why in the hell does Spain do that!? What a sure-fire way to make your students feel like crap. And possibly turn on each other if it’s a competitive enough group. I’m so sorry that all of this happened to you.

1