Source
r/relationship_advice•
PoopedEm

A disparity in intensity.

So I've been mulling it over for a few weeks now, on whether or not I should post about this, and I think that I've had enough time to think about it that I'm pretty confident in what I want.

My girlfriend and I have been dating exclusively for about five months. We are both very busy, and beyond that, our work schedules don't afford us much time to see each other, as she works at night as a bartender, and I have a normal-ish 9-5. For the last three months, until last night in fact, she's been without a cell phone, so the only way that I could contact her was through Facebook, Twitter, and Skype, which I was averse to, because it made me feel like I was stalking her, so any regular communication was pretty much out.

In addition to sparse communication and contact, she was also dealing with a few personal issues that were affecting her not limited to fiscal woes and the loss of a pet. The only time we'd see each other was when I'd go to her house, usually unannounced, or visit her at work, which was less than pleasurable.

Little about me: I'm 25, a working musician in addition to my job, and have an active social life. I tend to be a bit neurotic about things, so long periods of lapse communication really made me nervous. The longer we'd go without talking, the crazier I'd get, the more my imagination would run.

Little about her: She's 24, a working actor, night owl, loner, free spirit. I often felt like she was about to leave me, when all of a sudden she'd snap back into my life and say she misses me.

So my problem now is that I feel like I'm chasing her. I don't want to over pursue her, but there's a lot on my mind that I think we need address.

I know she doesn't want a more intense relationship. She needs her space, and it works for me, too because our schedules don't line up, and we're both so busy, so I guess what I want to know is how do we up the communication without upping ruining what we have?

Posted Jan 12, 2010, 8:25 PM UTC

613
cheezytoast•

You two simply have to make it a priority to make some quiet time for each other. Think: lay down in bed, have her put her head on your chest, and just talk about life and shit. (Almost) every couple have things pulling them in different directions. You and her just have to make it a priority.

Edit: Even if it's just a half-hour, once every couple days.

5
Bumzors•

My suggestion is to bring it up without scaring her off.

Basically, I was in a similar situation as you, but I was an idiot and was too direct and forceful about it instead of being open and willing to make smaller changes. She had zero time as she was in law school and I was daydreaming about summer time when we had full weeks together. I basically came at her and said "I'm so low on your priority list, can't you sometimes just make a little more time for me?" She was already clearing 1 full day a week for me, which, for anyone familiar with law school, is fucking hard. This made her feel like she couldn't meet my needs, felt it wasn't fair, and broke it off 2 weeks later. I was being selfish and didn't realize it until it was too late.

Moral of the story, approach it cautiously, but openly. Let her know how you feel, but make sure she knows that even small things can help. It probably doesn't need to be an overhaul, just suggest a few things here or there that might help. Don't put the onus on her, put it on the circumstances and help her realize that there may be effective ways to balance everything out.

If she doesn't go for that, either she really is too busy for what you're looking for, or she isn't interested, in which case you need to dial back what you want at the possible cost of your happiness, or break it off.

I wish you the best possible outcome.

5
PoopedEmOP•

How did you go about opening up the dialogue?

1
Bumzors•

Poorly.

Here is a basic handle on the situation: It was the end of her semester, she was studying for and taking finals that counted for 100% of her grade. Those tests essentially determined whether she could continue with her full-ride scholarship or not.

She was studying her ass off. She was skipping showers, didn't bother with make-up (although she didn't need it honestly), wasn't cooking, was eating mainly fast food, and ate in her room without cleaning up, all to get extra study time. She was also, obviously, cutting down on how much she talked to and saw me in order to ensure her scholarship for the next semester.

Well, after her last final, we went to a bar to celebrate, then went to grab some Thai food, then headed to my apartment. We watched some TV shows, bumped some uglies, and were post-bone snuggling when I brought it up.

I can't remember exactly what I said. I can't remember exactly how we even started talking about it. I think it was something about me feeling underappreciated (obvious mistake). Eventually, I said something like "I'm so low on your priority list, I feel like you aren't being fair to me at all."

Stupidest, most selfish thing I've ever said. She pointed directly to that as the single cause of her contemplating, and ultimately breaking up with me.

For you, I would just casually bring it up; keep it light, but don't skirt the issue. Think about exactly what it is you want and tell her. Think about small things that might get you to that goal. Think about how things might be different given different circumstances. Instead of focusing on this that and the other not being fair to you, think about her side of it, and how she is sticking with you despite all these obstacles. Think about things that YOU can do to keep things going.

And those are my suggestions to you. As much as I'd love to be able to tell you how to go about opening the dialogue, I really don't know how. All I can tell you is what didn't work for me and hope you can learn form that.

1
apz1•

So she got a cell phone yesterday? Shouldn't that allow for regular contact without you feeling stalker-ish?

3
PoopedEmOP•

Right, but how do I have a big discussion about all the things that I'm concerned with in our relationship, things I didn't mention in the post, without seeming like I'm trying to pin her down or be too overbearing?

I'd rather not go into the details of what we need to work on, suffice to say they are along the lines of 'intimacy' and 'honesty'.

I'm not worried about what I need to say, but how I should go about saying it.

1
[deleted]•

'Working actor'? What the hell does that mean, Tobias?

2
PoopedEmOP•

I'm not sure but whenever "Blu" comes up on the call id she flips out.

1
2_of_8•

There's always someone who loves more, and right now it's you.

2
Telenational•

Just tell her you want to spend more time with her but you're worried it will overlap in her busy schedule. If she makes time for you, great - if not then you should question whether you're happy being in a relationship where you're so far down on the list in terms of priority.

One thing you shouldn't be, is afraid of talking to her about your issues. It's the basis of a strong relationship and should be fundamental from the start.

1
froaweigh62•

I would guess you made it clear enough you would like a stronger relationship, she is actually aware of it. Then it's her choice to keep things so remote.

From your other comments, there may be a reason she wants to keep things so loose because she has other compartments in her life.

So explain to her you like her a lot and would like to take things to the next level. If it makes a big problem, gracefully accept defeat and look for a more reciprocating partner, because in that case you are already defeated.

1
no_more_pie•

Sounds like she's just keeping you around for when she needs you. Girls do that. If you want more, tell her. if she doesn't like that, then you have a decision to make.

1
PublicStranger•

I'm like your girlfriend. I'm an introvert, so I need a lot of time to myself. That doesn't reflect negatively on my friends or my boyfriend. I still love and need them in my life; I just don't have to be actively in their company to feel fulfilled by my relationships with them. Additionally, I have a hard time communicating because I live so much inside my own head that it's hard to break out of that default sometimes.

To be honest, I think people like me do best with other people like me. My boyfriend is also an introvert, and we have no qualms telling each other when we need a break from each other's company. Our feelings aren't hurt because we both experience this need for solitude, and so we are both fully aware that it is not personal.

It sounds like you're an extravert. Introverts and extraverts may not ever be able to truly understand one another on this issue, as our brains are inherently different. In the end, you two may be incompatible. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

You two need to sit down and talk. Obviously you aren't feeling fulfilled by this relationship in its current state, and this has got to get fixed. You need to reach a compromise—or at least an understanding that will satisfy both of you. Just note that it may take consistent work to settle into a compromise that will work in the longterm, and your mutual understanding will require regular upkeep to stay in sync. As you know, communication is key—even when it is difficult.

You need to tell her how much social interaction you need, and she needs to tell you how much is too much. Since you're the more extraverted of the two, it looks like it will fall on you to initiate most of your interactions. For this reason, you two really should work out an agreement where you can feel safe to contact her (instead of always wondering if you're pushing too hard), and where she can feel safe to temporarily cut that contact off if she's feeling overstimulated. Perhaps you can even schedule regular specific times to just sit down and communicate.

If I were you I'd call her and tell her that you really need to talk. Don't force a date on her, though; let her make room in her schedule or find a time when she's mentally up to the task.

1