Source
r/gaybros•
publas

Fatherhood as a Gay Man

Hey, bros!

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I'm a long-time lurker in this sub and decided that I finally want to contribute to the conversation. I'm a college-age guy currently doing an undergraduate degree in biochemistry. I had been feeling a little lost as to what my purpose on this planet is, so I did some exploring of my values, and I realized that building a family is important to me. I've had the privileged of having a close-knit group of friends that I consider family, but as I go on with the rest of my life, I realized that I want to build a life with a partner, and I can't imagine that life without raising a child.

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Just as a bit of background, I grew up in an Evangelical Christian household. I sat through countless sermons on the evils of homosexuality, and, needless to say, coming out was a difficult process. My parents are very loving people that have managed to love their child more than their prejudices, but coming out was terrifying and navigating our relationship, even now, years later, has been challenging. One of the most difficult things for me to hear was that they believed that I would never have kids. Before I came out, my father often spoke about how gay men shouldn't raise children because it would damage them, because two men couldn't provide what the child needed. I do not know what he believes now, but it cut me to the core to hear him think that people like me could never raise a child in a loving home. Now, of course, I know better, but I still harbor doubts about my own ability to provide what a kid would need from me. While this all is very hypothetical, I like to have some sort of plan for what I want for my life, and I feel that the urge to raise a child is important to synthesize and consider as I make decisions now that will affect the rest of my life and my career.

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I want to hear the perspective of some of the people on this sub, especially those who are fathers. Do any other guys out there have the same ideas about fatherhood? Anyone else feel that raising a kid is something that they may want to take on?

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I hope that this sparks some sort of conversation, and thanks for reading!

Posted Feb 16, 2019, 4:10 AM UTC

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lonetraveler206•

I’m around the same age but graduated last year. I’m in grad school for school psychology now and work with kids daily.

I’m nowhere close to ready for my own, but can’t wait for the day I have them. Seeing the excitement on a kids face when they see their mom or dad at the end of a school day is just so heart warming.

I think it’s a love like nothing else

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publasOP•

Thanks for sharing! It's very heartening to hear that people in my generation have similar viewpoints. It's all about finding the right people, I suppose.

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23BravoZulu•

I had the same family aspirations at your age but for one reason or another have remained childless and now I'm mid-40s. I still hold the same aspirations now although it's starting to get a little ridiculous telling myself I need to get around to adopting one day soon.

My husband and I have been together for going on 22 years, so it was not a lack of a partner that was an issue but rather the the stars and moons never aligned. I don't want to elaborate further than that.

I think life would have been much more enriching having had kids, raising them, and now becoming grandparents as my peers are doing. Also, looking down line to the end of my life, it terrifies me that I will have no immediate family to help in that last phase of life.

As long as you have fully resolved what sounds like a harsh upbringing, I say more power to you and do what your heart says. One negative we all have going for us is that it takes such a Herculean effort to surrogate or adopt, that we put mountains more analysis on the topic than our straight peers. My siblings and friends all got pregnant between 18 to early 20s because "that's what people do.". On the flip side, we got stuck in analysis paralysis for years.

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tjovian•

My husband and I are entering our late 30’s and I was initially opposed to raising kids. My husband, however, always imagined having quite a houseful when he was younger. Needless to say he was initially sad when the conversation took place where I was very clear on my decision to remain child-free, but he loves the life we’ve built for ourselves. I could tell he was heart broken, so I came up with some terms for us to agree on before I could consider adding the extra financial/emotional/time-intensive burden of raising a kid. I told him I would consider adoption (I’m very opposed to surrogacy as there are far too many children under care of the state who deserve a healthy/safe home) if we were:

I successfully graduated and completed my degree which I’ve been working towards for FOREVER.

Regularly earning 6 healthy figures (primarily so we could properly plan for future education expenses on top of the other financial requirements of providing for a child)

Lived in an area with plenty of space and wilderness to explore.

Were also in the district of a decent school system otherwise one of us would have to homeschool (my husband is quite opposed to the idea of homeschooling, but my experiences in toxic school environments are something I’d like to save a child from having to endure)

We’ve currently checked three of the four items off the list as I’m slowly still working toward my degree at a rate of 2-3 classes a semester (which is all I have time for with me working full time) and we’ve been in talks about fostering in the near future as we get closer since I’m still skittish about the whole thing and am still afraid I’m gonna screw the kid up and raise a serial killer or worse; someone who is rude to service/retail workers.

If it never comes to be or if I’m not confident enough, my husband reassured me that we can just raise cats instead since they’ll never commit future school shootings or throw their iPhone at an Apple Store Specialist.

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publasOP•

Thank you for sharing your experience!

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I have been afraid recently that I have been too passive in life. I am trying very hard to be an active player in my own life. That's part of what prompted this thought. Your ideas on how much, we, as gay man, often analyze our actions as there is no definitive place in society for us traditionally assigned to us is fascinating. I think I have had similar thoughts, but I feel like you really articulated what I have had half-formed in my brain for a while now. Thanks for your input!

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1
agrum•

"because two men couldn't provide". My vision on raising a child is that it's my objective, not mine AND someone else's. Many single parents manage to raise a child, and I believe social expectation will evolve so that 2-parents construct will become one of many possibilities. You could conceive/adopt as a single parent, as a couple or who knows what else, don't follow your background, make your own story.

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ChildishSerpent•

I'm queer and raising two children with a woman. Fatherhood is the greatest joy of my life. 10/10, would recommend.

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nosuperheroes•

I also came from a religious background. I remember also hearing things like, “gay men shouldn’t raise kids because kids need the different kinds of nurturing from a mom and a dad” before I came out.

My experience was that now, years after I came out, everyone just expects me to have kids, and even incentivize me to. Everyone says I’m great with kids, and that I will be a great father. What I think changed for them was the experience of personally knowing a gay man, and seeing a lot of their fears and negative stereotypes crumble down.

I feel like I was born to be a father. I’ve recently divorced an amazing man over this issue, and it’s been incredibly hard, but I know I want to be a father, and he knows he doesn’t. Raising a child, teaching this child, seeing this child grow, and feeling like you left something good on Earth — this is what I crave for. I can’t wait.

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