I don't think I'm cis

Hi,

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So, this is difficult to do, but I need to vent somewhere to people who don't know me because I'm not sure this is something I'll ever say outloud.

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I'm Nick, 26 years old. When I was born the doctor said 'it's a girl!' and my driving licence helpfully indicates the same. I have recently updated the photo on it because that long haired, doe eyed young girl in the picture is no longer me.

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I dedicated the younger years of my life to an eating disorder, clothes that other people liked on me and makeup that felt like a battle mask. At 18 I was a 5"10 size 6 with long raven hair and an image to uphold. I was so overtly feminine that people felt fit to hurl the usual misogynistic stereotypes of 'ditz' and 'slut' at me.

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People who knew me back then don't recognize me now. I've lopped off all of my hair, I rarely ever wear makeup any more, I have some muscle to me and I'm much more comfortable in men's clothes (actually I spend half my life in my boyfriend's clothes these days). Up until recently I have just assumed that I've turned into a 'tomboy' as I've gotten older, or maybe just a butch (I'm openly bisexual). I've also written off some confusing gender feelings to the fact that I am hormonally intersex, and naturally have the T levels of a cis man.

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However it's becoming harder and harder to not think about my gender identity, especially now in my new relationship. My ex was not straight, nor cis themselves, so I didn't feel the need to rock the boat and put a label to myself. However my new partner is Extremely Heterosexual and I feel like I'm keeping something from him, even though I'm not sure what that something is myself.

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Sometimes I hate having breasts. It's not all the time. But sometimes I just want them gone. I get incredibly uncomfortable with no warning to the point that I'm going to purchase a binder soon so that I don't have to be so uncomfortable when those feelings strike. I have never experienced bottom dysphoria, but I do very often wish that my pear-shaped body was just straight up and down. I get a little thrill of euphoria when someone mistakes me for a man, but I am not overly upset when I'm called she/her either.

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I don't know what to think. My partner is fine with how I dress, and we laugh together about my 'butchness', but he reacts very positively when I dress up, which I only do of my own accord about 3% of the time - the rest just feels like a performance. I catch myself generally trying to be a gentleman, much to the bemusement of straight men and women everywhere.