Source
r/TwoXChromosomes•
AnnaRKey

I think I lost a friend today...

I'm looking for some advice, ladies.

I'm pretty bummed out today. I belong to a large circle of friends, where the ages span from 18 all the way up to mid-thirties. Most of us are nerdy gamers. I have one friend (we'll call her A) who is married with kids. There's a few other people in the circle she is closer with, including her husband, and they tend to be the more tightly-knit part of the group, and part of what holds everyone together.

Friend B, has said some rather nasty things about friend A, but mostly about her husband and people she is closer with, to me. I've brushed most of it off, and stood up for A and those closer to her, and tried to convince B they are over-reacting, or not being very nice. Recently, B had a go at one of the friends she's close with, which perpetuated into a larger drama, and then stayed out of contact with everyone for awhile. Today, I go to visit A and I find out that B called her and had a chat with her, and apologized for the mess that happened with her, and the closer friends in our circle.

Being the kind, caring and honest friend I am, I immediately informed her this was a terrible decision, to forgive B for what happened. I began filling her in on the bits she was missing, making sure she understood it was her choice who she associated with, but advising that B is being very disrespectful to several people in our group of friends behind their backs. I was expecting that she would thank me for the insight, and understand that I was just looking out for her, regardless of her decision.

Unfortunately, that's not what actually happened. She got really angry with me for telling her what was going on behind her back, told me she didn't care, and said I was being unproductive by informing her of any of this. I wasn't expecting this. Suddenly, I've become the source of drama, and now there's the big divide between our once-peaceful group of friends.

Did I do something wrong in telling her, that B is being two-faced and is just playing her and her closer friends? Should I have just said nothing at all, and watch them continue to be nasty behind her/ their backs?

A big part of me wishes I just didn't care about that sort of stuff, but I've seen so much ugly out of B. I don't understand why I'm being treated like I've got some personal grudge against B, and trying to make them look bad. If you have any insight, I'd appreciate it, because I feel like I'm going crazy right now.

Posted Mar 3, 2010, 9:34 AM UTC

313
srsbsnsss•

friend B did call and apologize... that doesn't mean she made sure she ran down a check list of all of the things she was apologizing for... if friend A accepted her apology and wanted to move on, then (even though it does sound like you had the best of intentions), you were sort of making yourself the new source of drama. i don't know that you necessarily lost a friend. it sounds to me they are pretty easy going. you probably just need to make an apology of your own.

11
AnnaRKeyOP•

That's a very smart point of view. Unfortunately, B is only apologizing for the big explosion, which unfortunately has nothing to do with the thing I told A about. In my mind, I was happy B had wiggled themselves out, and was pretty sure everyone was going to be fed up with B, since they bring a lot of drama for everyone, but in very small doses. I was tired of shutting up about the problems that are going on, so I said something. But what I told A didn't really have much to do with what B actually apologized for.

1
ChunkyLaFunga•

It sounds like Friend A doesn't to believe you, or does on some level but doesn't want to. You did the right thing of course, and truth usually reveals itself eventually.

7
floraljoy•

I think ChunkyLaFunga said it best.

The truth was bound to come out and you were only trying to do the right thing.

1
[deleted]•

some people just don't like the taste of truth, you did the right thing but unfortunately if you want to do the right thing for yourself stay away from drama even if you have good intentions, it will suck you in and chew you up.

5
HonestOpinion•

You did the right thing telling her the truth, but the wrong thing when you didn't put an end to Friend B's BS in the first place.

This sounds like a gaggle of catty middle school girls. Time to grow up. Forget it, you don't need that shit.

Stay in touch with the people in the group who are emotionally mature and honest, and forget the rest. Life is too short. You will be surprised at how much less stressed you'll be.

Next time, don't tolerate the talking behind the back, etc. If you're putting up with it, you're not a good friend.

3
AnnaRKeyOP•

Next time, don't tolerate the talking behind the back, etc. If you're putting up with it, you're not a good friend.

In hind-sight, I wish I had pulled this back talk into writing maybe, as proof. But I wasn't really putting up with it, more as I was simply just not saying anything, because I did not want to be involved in the drama, and often just walked away from the nasty conversations.

1
onfirewhenigothere•

Don't let B get to you, then she'll move on to another victim, next week. Question is, do you want to be in group with this kind of alpha?

1
[deleted]•

I think you did the right thing by letting A know what's going on.

I think you could have done a more right thing by nipping B's bullshit in the bud every.single.time. Basically, if you are put in this position in the future, make sure that you are really clear with the B person (whether it is the same B or just another buttwipe) that you aren't interested in the negative baloney, and that you expect that anything she says to you about somebody else is something that she'd be comfortable saying to that somebody else. Basically, don't listen to stuff you don't want to hear. Don't encourage -- even by arguing with them -- people to talk about others in this way. Put things in perspective, and disengage from that kind of conversation. Arguing with that kind of nonsense grants it a level of importance it does NOT deserve.

1
apothecaryrose•

That's a tough one. You told her the truth of what you had seen from B. It looks like A is choosing not to see it and is choosing to give B the benefit of the doubt. But choosing not to see the truth does not mean it will go away. We can't shut out the truth because we don't like it.

The way I see it, either one of two things will happen. B will back off on the talking behind A's back now that B has apologized. Maybe it was a sincere apology. From what you know of B, you're wary about it which is completely fair. But you never know the sincerity of the apology unless it is given a chance. Has B said anything since the apology?

The second thing that could happen is that the apology was not sincere. In which case, B will continue to act as she as always done behind A's back. A will eventually see it and realize you were trying to help. And then A will feel a bit like an ass.

I don't think you did the wrong thing in telling A. You did it out of caring and wanting her to make an informed decision, not to cause more drama. Did you say that was your intention to A?

I would say hopefully it blows over. The way it sounds with you now being the drama center, B probably knows that you said something. B knows how they acted and will probably be on their guard as to how they act in the future.

If i were in your situation, I would pull back for a few. Then probably try to talk to A individually and apologize for the misconceptions (yeah, you didn't do anything wrong but sometimes when a relationship matters to you it helps to apologize even if you feel that you're not in the wrong). As far as what anyone else says, the situation was between you A and B. I'd tell them as much and tell them to mind their own business in a polite manner, though. The rest of your group smells the drama and is curious. But the drama spreading more and so they can all hash it out is not something you want. It just makes things worse.

Good Luck!

1
psychminor01•

B is being two-faced and is just playing her and her closer friends

That sounds a bit judgmental to me. B could be completely sincere in here apology.

1
AnnaRKeyOP•

Sincere in the apology for the drama that occurred that everyone knew about. They were not apologizing for all the back-stabbing, and lie, and disrespect. Me and a few others, who are not brave enough to say anything, or even agree with B, see the ugly side. A and her husband see the sweet, innocent "I was just" victimized side of things, and are dazzled by giving the benefit of the doubt.

Generally, I'm all for giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and I currently am, so I can attempt to continue my relationship with the people I appreciate in this group. However, the issue is that my friend has gotten very angry with me, for telling her about the BS going on behind her back. And it's still going on, since B started hanging around again.

1
big80smullet•

People be causing drama. Its the way it's always been. Keeps life interesting.

1