Is my luck just bad or am I missing something?
I was reading the post about how people think about their exes and it got me thinking. The last couple of women I dated (2 LTRs from 22-32) I remember fondly. We had a ton in common, did lots of stuff together etc etc. On the surface, seems like everything should be great.
But then it occured to me, that when I met both of them, neither of them really DID much of anything. One just hung out with friends, pretty average I'd say. But the second had pretty much no social life and no friends outside of me. I'd often ask both for input on things to do, places to go etc, but was always met with some form of "Oh whatever you want to do".
Now, I'm a huge motorcycle buff, I work on all my own bikes, I own many of them, and I'm just generally all around passionate about racing and motorcycles. #1 took a liking to my sport bikes I was riding at the time. Rode late with the group I rode with and pretty much abandoned her old friend circle. That ended in disaster when she decided to cheat. So bullet dodged-ish.
2nd came along from an OLD match and we got to talking, hanging out and what not. In pretty short order she was riding her own bike, we'd go riding and so on. Again, at the time it looked like we had a bunch in common. Ultimately it ended for other reasons (I lost a job and couldn't get a grip on things).
But now that I'm thinking about it. Does it seem like I actually had anything in common with this people? I always made sure never to force the issue if they didn't want to do something and was, and still am, always interested in meeting people and doing other things. It's just starting to seem like I didn't really share a passion because they both just jumped on mine. Did I completely wiff on finding a real connection because I mistook them having my huge passion in common for them just going with the flow?
Posted Apr 10, 2019, 6:11 AM UTC
You don’t need to share a passion to have a connection. I’m into hiking and trekking, plus I love going to watch football. My wife hates both. She’s always been into crafts, which I’ve always been indifferent about. On the surface we don’t have much in common, but I think she’s gorgeous, she’s funny, Intelligent and compassionate, plus a stack of other little things which aren’t related to having common interests.
Man, I think a lot of people fail to understand this. They're prioritizing and hunting for some activity or interest in common, but what matters even more are the mental and emotional connection. Guys and girls will have their separate interests, and that's ok, as long as you can communicate and understand each other.
I disagree I was married for 13 years to someone who shared zero of the same interests. By the end we were roommates. We didn't do anything together outside the house.
Depending on the couple's love languages it could work, but for me - never again.
I actually had mentioned the roommate comment to the second woman I dated. I don't need a roommate nor do I want one. So this really resonates and I really want to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I have three active hobbies and a bunch of minor interests. I specifically looked for someone who shared at least one and would participate or encorage the others.
I was very clear with my BF from the beginning that I expected he do stuff with me and participate in my life.
Although he is always asking what I want to do. I have made a point to notice his interests and make sure to suggest/schedule those as often as possible.
I've thought about that too. I've also wondered if I was the oblivious one not digging into the things they liked to do more than I did. Ultimately I just want to not make the same mistakes. But dang if it ain't hard to figure out where things when pear shaped sometimes.
I think some over lapping interests are important. You dont have to do everything together, because you now have something to talk about.
Maybe it's not the lack of hobbies, but actually your partners not contributing to your shared experiences? It sounds like perhaps they didn't bring much to the table when it came to new experiences for you or together as a couple. Perhaps they were the passive participant, depending on you to lead the way, and now you are looking for someone who actively participates in creating experiences for the two of you.
That's actually really insightful. Very possible I wanted that all along and didn't know what it actually was