Source
r/AlAnon•
Defenderandcreator

I asked my boyfriend to move out today

He admitted to have been using again, this time for 2 months and I had no idea. Last time, it was for 10 months and i hadn’t known either. I mostly feel heartbroken and lost. My rational self knows I cannot be with him and endure the cycle of treatment that addiction brings on our relationship. It just really hurts and I needed to tell someone out there. I am really afraid he will die and I don’t know how to go to work and compartmentalize my life like this. Thanks for listening.

Posted Apr 13, 2019, 7:15 AM UTC

3222
punxerchick•

Hey, I'm here to listen and share if you need. You're doing the right thing and this closed door will open many good ones for you.

11
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thanks. My brain knows what to do but my heart hurts. I don’t know how to handle friends and family. I know i don’t need to explain or answer to them, but I anticipate the difficulty of interactions with them on the subject while keeping my privacy

2
punxerchick•

I remember feeling anxiety about friends and family when we were in the thick of it. This anxiety had little foundation though, and soon I was able to open up and let it out to the people I trusted. Don't feel pressure to open up until you're ready, but don't hold back once you are.

2
TheWalrusIsMe•

You are doing the right thing. You could chose to cope with this for a very long time, and you’re choosing not to. It’s such a difficult decision to make. We’re here for you!

7
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thanks I appreciate the kind words. It’s helpful to reveal what I can’t in my day to day life, to the internet and caring strangers. Thank you.

2
youknowitistrue•

When I don’t know how I’m going to work without worrying about her, I allow myself to feel my feelings. It’s natural for me to miss her. It’s natural for me to worry about our child interacting with her. I have been taught by al Anon to feel my feelings and honor them. Stuffing them is bad for me. I will cry sometimes. If I’m having an especially hard time with it, I will take the day and take care of myself. There is a part of courage to change that says “at the very time we most need to take good care of ourselves, we are likely to do the opposite” good luck friend. You’re not alone. You’re not responsible for them even though it feels like it.

7
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thank you. I feel better knowing that others are able to cope and I appreciate your thoughtful words. Thank you.

2
Hoosierdaddy1964•

I'm so sorry.

6
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thank you. I appreciate you and this.

5
olivia_benson_6735•

oh god that sounds so painful i'm so sorry you're going through that. it is so hard to make the right decision even when that's not what you want to do. it terrifying and i don't know how to make it better. i have read one book Beyond Addiction How Science and Kindness Help People Change and that book helped me a lot deal with my boyfriend's addiction to heroin/meth and his relapse.

6
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thank you very much. I will look into those. I appreciate your being willing to share these here. I would like some helpful reading.

3
taketheredpill888•

Can I ask how that book helped you?

1
olivia_benson_6735•

Yeah I guess it helped me see that there is another option besides just tough love. It gave me tools to deal with my addicted bf that still involved caring for him without enabling him. Also it taught me more just about how human beings change so that I could understand how it was possible to actually recover. So far it has been really helpful in giving me ways to talk to my bf about his addiction.

1
SOmuch2learnKeep it simple.•

I needed help to cope with my grief and anger. Going to Alanon meetings and seeing a therapist gave me necessary support.

6
azucarleta•

Yeah, that lying is pretty unacceptable. Once someone is in the habit of lying that much for that long, it becomes that much easier to lie about other things, too. I would not feel comfortable with that.

6
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thanks. I have set clear boundaries and think I am a clear, consistent & vocal communicator. So I know that respecting my boundaries and expectations, especially in this regard, is the right thing. Makes it feel even more fucked up when those lines are crossed though.

3
PSMF_Canuck•

Lying is not ok. You are not responsible for the consequences of someone else's deceit.

Stay strong. <Hugs>

4
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Thanks. I love hugs so, <hugs> I feel lucky that I even found out, he only admitted when I asked him to do a drug test, and nearly walked into town to get it. Not ok, definitely crappy. Support here is helpful, so thanks.

3
Lucy_Maddie•

I am so with you. Broke up with my guy (again, this time I’m making it stick) and blocked him on social media last night. Though I feel like I’m drowning right now your words echo for me. He is not capable of being an equal giving partner in a real, adult relationship. Just, incapable, and that has NOTHING to do with me. And it has nothing to do with you either. I’m trying to focus on me and caring about myself Instead of losing myself in him and his recurring, self induced misery. Big huge hugs to you. We can do this. ❤️

4
DefenderandcreatorOP•

Yes we can. I feel similarly. Came to realize that no matter my expectations he was unable of being an adult in a meaningful respectful relationship. Most painful thing is breaking up because of this addiction, it feels hard to pin on him even.

5
Lucy_Maddie•

I don’t have any problem “pinning it on him.” I quit drinking after 30+ years of alcoholic drinking. I stoped because I WANTED TO. Until my guy makes that choice, it’s entirely on him imo.

3
taketheredpill888•

I broke up with mine too. I feel the same way- like I'm drowning, but fed up with the lies and manipulation. Thank you for your post, it made me feel less alone in this.

1