introspective week
its been a particularly introspective week for me. i figure its part of moving on, but for the first time in months i've been really fixated on my marriage. I've kinda worked out a few things.
- The warning signs were there. I ignored them because i thought it could never happen to me.
I always kind of knew that my stbxw wasn't as committed to our relationship as I was. It wasn't a major imbalance, she was definitely committed up to a point. She definitely loved me and definitely did a lot for me. But it turns out there were limits. I would have done anything for her and endured pretty much anything for her, whereas the reverse was not true.
- Whether or not you're to blame, its your fault.
My marriage ended because I became seriously depressed. I'm not to blame, but it is my fault. My stbxw can't be blamed for not hanging around with a depressed person, but it is her fault. I believe we must take responsibility for our actions. My choice was save myself from suicide or save my marriage. I saved myself without realising (at the time) what I was actually doing. Ironically, I made that choice for my stbxw. I continued living for her, not for me. I was far too depressed to really value my life. I kept going because my stbxw said she loved me and was there to me. I own the choice I made, because at the time, it was the best choice I could make.
- Somethings are irreconcilable
As I mentioned, I got depression, stbxw couldn't handle it. Something I will never accept is giving up on someone when they need you most. I feel like this is ok, that I'll never accept quitting when the going got tough. This is just who I am and I chose poorly when it came to my wife. She was a poor choice because of the kind of the person I am. I wouldn't call myself melodramatic, but shit goes wrong around me. My life isn't easy, never has been. The ideal person for me is someone as resilient as myself. My stbxw grew up in a very comfortable middle class existence and true adversity is extremely foreign to her.
- Life isn't a disney movie
Sometimes marriages are doomed from the start. Sometimes there are major incompatibilities and it will never work out. My marriage wasn't like that. We were compatible and in another version of the world, we're married until we die and have kids and grandkids and all of that. I think 50 years ago, we would have made it. Divorce is more convenient now than it ever was. Whilst i disagree with til death do us part no matter what, i feel that in some cases, we give up quicker than we should.
Even with everything in your favour, sometimes things don't work out, even when they should. Life isn't a disney movie and sometimes there is no happily ever after.
I know that this post has been more of the same when it comes to the conventional knowledge of this sub. But I wanted to write it out for me. I'll have more realisations over time, no doubt. Good luck to all of you, its a terrible thing no matter your story.
Posted Apr 21, 2019, 1:54 PM UTC
I’m glad you’re sorting this out for yourself. I think everyone is entitled to their own narrative. Depression is a selfish bastard and can destroy the people who experience it and the loved ones who have to watch a person suffer.
I don’t think anyone gives up on another person, I think as a human, we eventually have to save ourselves, because the pain of watching something we didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure in our partner causes us too lose our own sanity. It’s no different than drug abuse or bipolar. I have been clinically depressed, and as I said mental illness is a selfish disease. I work each day to push through because I feel my-life depends on it. Good luck in your recovery. We really are fighting for our lives.
Extremely well written and well put. You've gone exactly to the issue. The sad part is, I was getting better. I was well on the road to recovery when she decided to save herself. That is what I mean by giving up. Its one thing to leave someone who isn't improving and isn't trying. Something else entirely to leave someone who is still trying and making progress.
Thank you for your comment, I've been struggling towards this idea for a while but had never been able to put it in words. Thank you for helping me :)