Source
r/childfree•
gladmedium

I'm terrified of my family realising I am CF

PERSONAL

This past weekend has been the Passover Seder and I've spent a few days with my extended family. It's been great! Everyone gets along, there's a warm sense of belonging. There are a few little kids and they're all very well disciplined, sweet and funny.

My mum sat next to me and said how "tragic" and "heartbreaking" it was when people didn't have kids. Plenty of bingoes - legacy, who will take care of you, baaabbieees are so cuuute - but she made her opinion very clear. That it would be a tragedy not to have children. The rest of my family share this opinion, from what I can gather.

Now, I know it's easy to say "fuck em!" but my family are my rock. I have good friendships and a work life and am independent, but I've always been a bit nervous/introverted around people and my family know me best and welcome me readily. It's not as extreme that I'd be kicked out for being CF, no way, but my heart breaks at the idea of being the disappointing daughter, of having that painful divide between myself and my mother, who is my best friend in all other regards. I don't want kids. I work a hard job and I don't want to care for another being (I won't even get a dog because with my hours and work related travel, it'd just be cruel). I value my money and independence and feel awkward around kids. I'd like to be sterilised one day and can't even begin to imagine everyone's reaction. My family are insistent that kids "don't stop you from doing anything" because they all have jobs that are really workable around their children. Even if I had loads of money and time, I still wouldn't want kids.

I have no idea how to tell anyone this so I suppose I'm just getting it off my chest, but any advice would be appreciated. I'm 21 so have a few more years of "oh when you're older haha!!" but it's a conversation that will happen one day and I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

Happy Easter/Passover to you all. If you're not celebrating either, have a lovely sunny week!

Posted Apr 21, 2019, 4:38 PM UTC

295
SharPewy•

I completely relate to this. I’m a little older than you - the prime child-bearing years as they say - and although I’ve always dropped hints about how I don’t want kids to my mom, she always thinks that I’m just kidding or maybe I’ll change my mind few years down the line. I feel that if I give her a definite no, it would really break her down and she’ll be so unhappy. I just cannot bring myself to do it. But I’m very firm on the no kids thing. This topic always gives me anxiety and I just hope that day comes when everybody knows my decision and is okay with it, even begrudgingly so.

12
ani3D•

What I would do, is to start bringing up the benefits of not having kids in a hypothetical sense first. Don't say that you're actually CF, but bring up the benefits of it every time they call it a tragedy. The environmental angle might be a good way to go if they're adamant that a kid won't impact your job or life (as facepalm-inducing as that attitude is to me).

7
thepebb•

Growing up in a religious family there are a few who refuse to accept any logic/reason on the issue. After trying many other approaches, I have ended up telling these particular individuals that if god wants me to get married and have kids then it will happen, but if not, it’s God’s will and he has something else in mind for my life. Only one person has kept insisting after this. I told her to pray for me if it bothered her so much, but I was content so I didn’t need to talk about it anymore.

7
lily31•

When the comments get personal, I suggest, "We'll see what God has planned."

5
thr0wfarawayNever go full doormat. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.•

It sounds like there decent enough people that they’ll adjust in time. If not then that’s really their problem. As an adult everyone needs their own family of choice

4