so this is the rapture?
a guttural scream
a guilty crescendo
we are solemn but gasping for air.
we like to talk about
blood and bones
as if they're pretty things.
there's a heap of feathers and guts on the ground and we grimace.
crushed cigarettes
fast food cartons
an alleyway covered in paint
there's sand in the honey
but we lick the spoon clean.
i don't think we'll ever see the stars.
the sky is too muddy for that.
Posted Apr 28, 2019, 5:35 PM UTC
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You need to attach something to it. It feels like an unspecific rapture. It doesn’t feel religious, feel apocalyptic. You don’t need to make it more sonic or religious, but do get at something.
yeah, I was more focused on a feeling than a message. I can see how it feels disconnected. this was a more experimental poem (though I suppose all my poems are experimental) and I wasn’t sure how it would come across. thanks for your feedback!
It ended with such drab consequences
what do you mean?
Oh. I see. Turning the sky into mud. That's actually sort of brilliant (rather than drab).................................... sort of.
well, I don’t know how to respond to this bc of how backhanded a compliment this is haha, if you want to elaborate feel free
There are elements of this sketch that I like; I can't say that it's attractive or haunting or chilling----a fairly common and useful poetic device is to combine unlikely images that juxtapose not merely in contradistinction to the central theme, but also depict the irony implied in the absurdity of these sorts of themes: annihilation, apocalypse, armageddon, catastrophic and/or/along with systemic failure, wholescale demise of the species; these noteworthy themes combined with the mundane or comi-tragic or (dare I say "drab")/melo-dramatic and dull realities of cigarettes squashed (already a pointless endeavour, even before they are crushed) or mud in the sky ( are these from boots or from the attempt to leave the earth, but unable to escape)? A well-chosen theme and a concerted nascent effort in rendering the theme with tragi-comic mundanity/reality................................ could be developed with a chorus/reprieve/interlude of rakish cross-referencing (could you mention restaurants or some kind of zeitgeist reference----bomb-shelter, strangelove, oppenheimer's grandmother, john connor and/or harrison ford???? On the whole a valiant first draft
I enjoyed this one a lot. ”A guilty crescendo” I like that line very much, relatable. It’s a beautiful critique of our postmodernist world and its morals. Or that’s my take at least ”Fast food carton” I like how you structured it and your use of metaphors is great and easy to infer. I can’t find any negative criticisms, great work sir!
thank you so much for your feedback!
No problem, feel free to check my works too, I’d benefit from some feedback! And of course if u liked, upvote Cheers!
For what it is I liked this. This has a good voice carried through it well yet please remember even the water of The Nile ebbs and flows. Thanks for sharing.
it does indeed. thanks for your feedback!!
I like how sensory this is. Your descriptions of sounds, sights, and even taste and texture ('there's sand in the honey / but we lick the spoon clean') are vivid. I don't entirely know what it's about (from the content and title, about some apocalypse?) but I imagine myself there. I like it!
thank you!! i was mostly focused on creating a visceral experience rather than really saying a message. I’m glad you like this!!
“We like to talk about blood and bones/ as if they are pretty things.” I really love this line and find it the center of your piece. There’s a lot happening here, very stream of consciousness and visual, but also a larger sense of questioning of whether this all is what it appears to be. It resonates and is very much a style I personally appreciate.
thank you so much!!
I think you have a lot of really, really solid stuff in here. The highlight of the piece for me was "there's sand in the honey / but we lick the spoon clean." because the point you're making and the imagery line up perfectly (I even got this odd feeling in my mouth reading it).
Where I think you should look to improve would be to make that consistent. Lines like "we like to talk about / blood and bones / as if they're pretty things" really tell a story and "there's a heap of feathers and guts on the ground and we grimace" set this gruesome scene up, but to really get the effect that my favorite line had, I feel they need to work in tandem with each other. I think if you combine the success of your visual language with your message in some of these lines, that's how you'll hit more homeruns!
Thanks for sharing! Loved this piece.
that’s a really good point, I hadn’t really considered that. thanks for your feedback !!
Hey there mate!
there's sand in the honey
but we lick the spoon clean.
Then you finish with this;
i don't think we'll ever see the stars.
the sky is too muddy for that.
You're nearly all over the place. You speak of the rapture? What of it? "sand in honey", "crushed cigarettes", "blood and bones", it's as if you're stating those things, but nothing more. Not much detail, but enough for me to imagine that which you speak of. With that said though, more clarification could be better, at first I did think you spoke of the literal rapture. Though it has been pointed out by u/NudgeWinker that it may be about climate change. I myself did not picture that, but maybe I'm just not getting the full picture.
Hope this helps, - iGoofymane
you seem to be one of the only people who took this at face value, which is fantastic! as you said, I am stating these things and nothing more. that’s all this poem is. it was an experimental venture into simply creating a visceral experience, and I can see how it fell flat for you. thanks for your feedback!
It's an interesting take on the rapture/the apocalypse, and I don't mean in the sense that no one has thought about "what comes after" before.
I think what makes this valuable is that it's presented in a flat and mundane tone. There aren't explosions, fights, angels colliding, devils stalking the earth, mad max style death machines, dystopian cannibal societies. There's just...dirty food and water. Some dead stuff. Mud.
I don't think any of the stanzas are superfluous., which is nice.
The event. It's sudden, collective.
Death isn't glorified
I like this line a lot. It stands out, and by keeping it as one line instead of breaking it up to match the rhythm of the others you keep the guts, ground, grimace flowing and connected.
Could be today, in many many places. The apocalypse isn't that different from a dirty city.
Desperation. Sand in particular I like, instead of just dirt. Abrasive, rough, inedible in any respect, and feels horrible, but it doesn't matter. Honey is probably a treat all the same
Acceptance. This is the way things are now.
thank you so much. I really love your interpretation and your general way of talking. thanks for your detailed feedback !!
This one cuts deep. The imagery really paints the picture of hopelessness, lies, deception and avoidance. The sand in the honey is a really great line, as if you still believe there is honey in there. Harvest that honey, fight that sandstorm. It will be worth it!
thank you so much !!
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I'm a little confused as to what exactly this poem is about, but it definitely evokes some powerful imagery ("there's sand in the honey/but we lick the spoon clean"). If i had to guess I would say this poem is ostensibly about climate change and the deteriorating state of nature strewn with litter. It seems as if the world isn't what it used to be and that mankind has tainted what was once a heavenly or rapturously splendid place to live. Operating within the idea of rapture ( the transporting of believers to heaven at the Second Coming of Christ), earth's current state almost seems like a letdown or maybe its a foil to the heaven awaiting in the afterlife untarnished by mankind. Anyway, I think you could elaborate a little bit more. I appreciate the poem's simplicity, but there is room for further development to better acquaint the reader in your imagined world. Good Job! Thanks for sharing!
That’s an interesting interpretation! I personally took the “sand in the honey” line as a metaphor with the honey being happiness/positivity & the sand being the harsh reality of the situation the speaker is in. Basically “I am so desperate to feel happy I will take what I can get”.
I personally read this poem as the speaker trying to break out of their current situation (mentally or geographically) but not being able to do so.
I like how you bookended the poem with rapture & the muddy sky. I feel as though the speaker is frustrated that this is all they’ve amounted to / how far they have gotten, & by the end they’ve accepted that they likely aren’t going to make it out of their situation.
I really liked this, I’m actually going to screenshot this for inspiration because I want to embroider that honey line (:
I love your interpretation as well! I’m so flattered that you want to embroider this, that’s such a lovely sentiment!! thank you for your feedback! (I feel like a puppy using all these exclamation marks lmao)
I definitely see how I could elaborate more and expand this world! I really enjoy your interpretation. thank you for your feedback!