Cloudburst. (haiku)
broken umbrella
sprouts from a trash bin;
drowning azaleas
Haikus don't always have to be 5-7-5.
Posted May 1, 2019, 5:53 PM UTC
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Haiku is a very under appreciated form. You have utilized the tools of the style to great effect here though. I love the double meaning the word “drowning” takes on when you use it. The scene you’ve rendered is equally succinct and elegant, and like some before have said, really does provoke an emotional response.
Really very nice work.
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Well, on idea for how to change this poem around a bit, eliminating a word and making the juxtaposition shift slightly maybe something like:
broken umbrella--
a trash bin sprout
drowning azaleas
as for titling, im generally against it for super short poems unless its crucial to the poem (this one doesn't feel that way tbh)
these are really just me digging for things though.
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yo, I'm digging that edit.
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Maybe even drop the “a” in the second line
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it's interesting to me how such a small change makes such a large difference in how I perceive the piece. Your version seems less focused on the trash bin and broken umbrella than OP and more focused on the azaleas. Is there any particular reason why you went with "a trash bin sprout" instead of something like "trash bin sprouts"?
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I can see this as a metaphor for oneself, but it took a while. I guess that can be a good and bad thing. I do enjoy the symbolism of drowning and growth, where things grow in unseeming places. I get a sense of hardship behind the writing, is the cloudburst the cause of the haiku? I used to work with plants, big fan of azaleas, and I agree, haikus are meant to be creative, change is always a good thing :)
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Haikus. Difficult form, it's simplicity is treacherous, it isn't easy to do. Great imagery, concise theme. Sharp, an essence of swift and beautiful use of poetry.
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The only reason I started trying to write Haiku is you! Love this one. The punctuation is right. It's a great description of a rainy spring day. The title is an interesting way to get the info of "it's raining" to the audience. The juxtaposition of the first two lines from the third makes me think that there was someone holding an umbrella over the azaleas, trying to keep them from drowning. The drowning of the azaleas is inevitable. Just as the breaking of the umbrella is inevitable. However, the breaking of the umbrella leads to it's (also inevitable) "sprouting", which mirrors the image of flowers. Thank you for sharing. Feels like it's been a bit :)
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Feels like it's been a bit :)
Indeed! I had some wicked writer's block for all of National Poetry Month, lol.
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How ironic! You should try some flarf to help with writers block. It is so much fun and helps me come up with tons of first drafts. (I guess the hard part is writing that second draft)
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Very aesthetic! Love the image and love the effect you create. Title adds to the Haiku in a nice way to set the tone. I am not a Haiku-ist (not a word), but I love when people can write good ones like yours.
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As someone who hasn't really read many haikus this came as a bit of a shock to me at first, but then I reread it a few times and found that you've made a great use of the smaller haiku form to create a vivid image in my head. I'll probably start reading more of these now!
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This is gorgeous! You make wonderful use of the slice between the second and third lines, and the imagery is so vivid. Right down to the title.
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I don't normally like haiku, but this is really quite striking, kind of makes me hear rain when I read it, the hard, pelting kind. I especially like the last line, I think it was smart to be so specific, saying "azaleas" rather than just "flowers." I also think Drowning Azaleas would make a good band name. :)
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This is fantastic - have you ever read Imagist poetry? This is like a teenage, angsty H.D.
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Nice negg, dawg.
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what are you trying to do here? is this about tradition 5-7-5 japanese haiku that translate very differently into english because of a difference in syllables and haku (拍)?
https://www.sljfaq.org/afaq/mora.html
English haiku that try to more aggressively maintain the spirit of the traditional Japanese roots would frankly find something along the lines of a 4-5-4 to sit better.
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I didn’t realize you had commented on my haiku-formatted reaction to the OP. It got downvoted. (Sad face, so I deleted it, resigned).
I was sharing (or attempting to share) the consternation I was feeling at the rejection of the 5-7-5 haiku. I thought the 5-7-5 formatting was a generally accepted translation of the constrained art of haiku. Based on your comment I think I need a new “haiku checklist”.
I’ll add my deleted comment back, I guess... this was a reaction haiku, and I thought was indisputable haiku. I obsessively counted the syllables out to 5-7-5 like 20 times, when I would have liked to be drifting off to sleep. (I was trying to be funny, about how conforming to constraints is sometimes soothing - but sometimes we all resign to simply counting sheep).
———
Nothing disturbs sleep
Like a haiku in the wind;
Perhaps counting sheep
———
I had the syllable count, nature reference, cutting with the wind. But I think it needs some work. Are haiku supposed to be uplifting? Do you have a haiku guide?
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I'm going to hop in here if you don't mind.
Are haiku supposed to be uplifting?
yes and no. Haikus can be uplifting, they can also be pensive, playful, somber, etc. Mostly they should offer reflection on our impressions of nature (per the modern school of thought).
Nothing disturbs sleep
Like a haiku in the wind;
Perhaps counting sheep
This is ok, but the current philosophy of haiku is relentless realism. Not much room for concepts, just laser focus on the immediate, concrete and natural. Therefore 'counting sheep' is a concept, and while everyone can identify with it, it's not something you can reach out and touch. However if we switch 'counting sheep' to 'bleating sheep'
Nothing disturbs sleep
Like a haiku in the wind;
Perhaps bleating sheep
We keep this haiku grounded, immediate, real, and vivid. Plus, the idea you wanted to talk about (counting sheep) is already hinting at within the haiku by the words 'sleep' and 'sheep'; it doesn't have to be spelled out for the reader, they can draw the inference themselves.
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Relentless realism. No hoaky optimisim. Capture the poignancy. Laser focus. Ok. Thanks for the pep talk, guys. I'm going to try this again... (after I process all of this).
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5-7-5 in English is generally too generous of a number as opposed to the Japanese progenitor. You'll see this often with translations of famous Japanese haiku being much shorter than otherwise expected. For example maybe the most famous haiku (by Basho of course) translated this way:
An old pond
A frog jumps in -
Splash!
As for what haiku are supposed to be, I would say that the emotional content of haiku are definitely varied, but the delivery is often similar. Some people on here claim the key is understatement, which is hard to argue with. However, I would claim what I find particularly haiku-y about haiku is a certain degree of placidity. Haiku tend to be more noun heavy than verb heavy. even the one shown above is carefully framed where rather than the scene being the frog splashing, it is divided into two distinct scenes. One of a still pond and a frog, the other is the splash itself. This renders the motion of splashing into the sculpture of a splash.
as for technical requirements, i usually recommend people read this:http://www.nahaiwrimo.com/home/why-no-5-7-5
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I'm going to try again:
Uplifted seeds ~
As the dandelion roars;
tangled in the grass.
Edit - I removed the "of hope" as referenced below.
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Uplifted seeds of hope ~
As the dandelion roars;
tangled in the grass.
Ok so this haiku is just telling me too much. Let the reader draw the connections, your task is to present the ignition.
'Uplifted seeds of hope'-ok remember, we want to keep thing as real as possible. Hope doesn't have a physical form, so let's not even bring it up because we can't describe it. But hope can be represented by physical objects/movement. 'Uplifted seeds' already does all the heavy lifting for our concept of hope. Seeds are already an archetype to signify rebirth, renew, lifecycle and yes, hope. But seeds are also something we can look at, pick up, chew, taste, etc. 'Uplift' is a visual action you can see, but also a memey shorthand for generic positivity, which can draw a line to the concept of hope. So 'Uplifted seeds' already tells me everything I need about hope.
'As the dandelion roars'-Dandelions don't really roar, but they're bright and they catch your eye. Their seeds are ephemeral and delicate, and they also happen to catch on a breeze and float away.
'Danelion roars' tugs us intos a consideration of animal motifs, which I think leans away from what I believe is the poignancy of this haiku, hope. Plus we already have an established plant motif (seeds, grass) so I don't think it's necessary to introduce another element of nature (animals).
'tangled in the grass.'-I like this phrase. It has a deeper context (turbulence, confusion, entrapment) but its a direct image.
Ok so I'm going to re-try the haiku. I'm not jazzed with my edits, but I think they touch a bit closer to what you wanted to convey while still honoring the haiku expression.
Dandelion clouds
plucked from tangled grass;
uplifted seeds.
Note, I didn't stick with 5-7-5. There has been much ink spilt about the 5-7-5 rule, needless to say the schism comes down to the structural/phonetic difference between English and Japanese.
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oof, the fact that you have to make that statement just to stop newbies/reactionaries from desperately grabbing at anything they can claim they know more than someone else is sad.
ur haikus are one of the reasons I still come to this sub