The door burst open,
The sky bursts open,
I keep digging.
The muzzle flashed,
The lightning flashes,
I keep digging.
The rifle roared,
The thunder roars,
I keep digging.
The blood poured,
The rain pours,
I keep digging.
I fell to my knees,
I fall to my knees,
I stop digging.
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Posted May 5, 2019, 7:42 PM UTC
This poem works for me. It invokes a sense of duality, especially with the line "the blood poured, the rain poured". If this is a first draft, maybe you could drive this theme of duality more? I'd love to see that expanded.
I like how masculine it seems, and great imagery with so few words. The rhythm is great. Good job.
Thanks for the feedback! Could you just explain what you mean by "masculine?" I didn't get that.
Something about it just seems to carry a masculine energy to me. I think it’s the word choice and shortness of the stanzas. They seem very cut and dry but when looking at the poem as a whole leads to this kind of stormy image of someone’s violent death.
Oh, okay. Gotcha. Thanks again!
Love this! I really enjoy the ambiguity - is it touching on PTSD of a veteran? Is the digging psychological retreat? Like another said, the duality & parallel scenes are greatly done
I didn't know how to pinpoint what story the poem was delivering until this comment. I think you're bang on! With the first line of the verses being what he thinks is happening, while the second being what is actually happening. Rereading the poem after the masterful revelation makes me appreciate you and the writer so much :)
:) thank you for those words
To me, this poem is telling the story of soldier who had to dig a tunnel. Maybe as an escape route, maybe as an attack route. I am not sure. I enjoy how you left this open for the reader to interpret. I wonder why he fell to his knees. I am left thinking he was shot.
I really like the repetition in this piece! the way you emphasize both the chaos going on around the speaker as well as the methodical digging he focuses on is quite powerful. You should continue the repetition, as it's the most powerful part of your piece. if you focus on that, you could meld this into something really great (I kinda want it to be longer, I felt like it cut off before it could get itself rolling.) also, you can take out the punctuation, you don't really need it.
I feel like this poem is about handling stress, well maybe avoiding it altogether. From the way you have action packed two lines with their mighty sounds and imagery then the repetitive third line. It's like you see the excitement then turn away from it. the rhyme scheme is on point. dont stop digging