Source
r/OCPoetry•
Messitube38

Sonnet of Seducing Solitude

Feedback Received!

Emerging past the vermillion clouds

Clawing through gusty nebulas of sighs

Bathing by pillars of cemented crowds

Powder allbies; skulk in disguise

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Ceramic cast emmures sultriness

Tarnishing her senses in brown frizzy hair

Quivering soul, pleads to abscond this mess

Diurnal, perches a spring couch of despair

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Bygone breezes of monetary lust

Corridors adorn; sculptures of qetesh

Her maiden Malice, smothers compelled trust

Of the immobile, benumb flesh

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Her hypnagogic home, holds hell

A grim mannequin of a belle

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1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bo8c6r/only_the_living_can_rob_a_tomb/

2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/boc1hg/food_habits_of_an_instagram_influencer/

Posted May 14, 2019, 1:50 AM UTC

613
Messitube38OP•

Hi, I wrote this poem today in a little less than 2 hours. This is my first real attempt of writing a poem with some sort meter, although a rather odd pattern of syllables. I forgot to worry about stressed and unstressed syllables, and their placements, which I need to look up more info on. I look up to Bob Dylan, which makes me want to be a poetic songwriter when I get older, I am currently learning guitar, piano and writing poem/songs frequently. I seek help from the wise men and women in this sub Reddit, so I can achieve my dreams and fulfill the potential hidden in the human mind. I am currently 14 years old and most of my family are poets. Have a great day, enjoy!

I've recently gotten a bunch of negative, harsh, and un-constructive (is it even a word?) feedback. For a while it sort of put me down, until I looked in their profiles and saw them talking shit in every comment of theirs. Please give me honest criticism instead of stating, "You are pretty good for a 14 year old". I'd rather struggle my way up to the mountain of being amazing overall, than being good for my age.

Q: What feelings does this poem emit to you, and what do you think the story is about. I got inspiration from a specific character, if anybody could try and guess. Adieu :)

FEED ME FEEDBACK!

3
iss3•

Hi. Can I just say, no regards to your age - This is superb poetry :)

This poem gives me feelings of emptiness. Being "successful" without peace of mind. I get the image of a beautiful and talented artist who millions of people dream of, but in her own mind the world is a cruel, dark and deceitful place. My personal guess would be Lana Del Rey. :) You write a thousand times better than I do, so I can't critique that seriously.

I WANT MORE! :D

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Messitube38OP•

Thank You for the kind words! :) I read "The Diamond's Reflection", and WOW your writing is fantastic. The extended metaphors were superb and the rhyme scheme seemed so smooth. Great Job! Comparing as human to a diamond in a motivational way allows lots of logical comparisons, which you did amazing on :) Not Lana Del Rey, although we both have different perceptions of the same poem, even if I wrote it. I intended it to be a talent-less beauty who once stripped of her only asset, withers down to insanity, but I scrapped the original ending couplet that made it more clear.

My poem was based on Shaye Saint John, who was some YouTube channel on the early days of YouTube. Although, I'm not going to give the whole story of the poem away (leave room for interpretation), this character was a supermodel who got into an accident, tarnishing her looks, paralyzing her, which lead her to become insane.

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THANK YOU :) Good Luck!

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iss3•

Thanks! Happy you liked that one!

I would've never guessed Shaye Saint John - but now it makes a lot of sense. Hope you'll share some more down the line! Consider yourself followed! ;)

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Messitube38OP•

Thanks for the follow! I'll follow you back :)

Did you know of Shaye Saint John before? I'll be sure to work on more poems! You be sure to do the same ;)

Have a great day!

Edit: Doesn't show follow under your name. Do you have it disabled or something?

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iss3•

I used to have friends who linked me creepy/weird stuff like that - admittedly I didn't remember her name or channel very well - but I've seen some shit. lol.

I don't know why there's no option to follow. Maybe my account is too old, or something. Didn't find any option to enable/disable that anywhere. Thanks though :)

1
squaridot•

Hi there! I'm sorry to hear about all the unconstructive feedback you've been getting. You have a long and exciting future ahead of you as a 14 year-old writer, so don't let shit-talkers get you down.

I really love to work with the sonnet structure, so I'll start there. Sonnets typically are written in iambic pentameter, though I don't believe this is a strict requirement. There are parts in this poem where you seem to be working towards iambic pentameter, and then parts where it just barely diverges from it. This threw me off as I was reading it. I personally think iambic pentameter would add a really nice rhythm to this, as you've already done in parts of the poem—but it's up to you.

I also think the feel of this poem is somewhat obscured by your frequent usage of very specific or uncommon words. "Hypnagogic" or "benumb" are two examples. I personally think that words that are uncommon/specific are most effective when they are used a couple times, but there are a lot of them in your poem and they appear fairly close together. I think this actually takes away from the overall effect of your piece.

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Messitube38OP•

Thank You! The Iambic pentameter was a complete coincidence, if it seemed as if I was working towards it. Wouldn't an Iambic pentameter be 1 (short) unstressed followed by 1 stressed (longer). For example: He questioned the universal law theories (I just made this up, don't even know if it is in Iambic). Thanks Again! Once I get a hang of the Iambic pentameter, I'll be sure to use it.

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I understand, it does make the poem sound a bit off, yet I attempt to add as many complicated words that would fit. Not every word of course, but I really do aim for "complicated" words over "regular". Without complicated words, I can't feel any sort of satisfaction when writing a poem, it feels too amateur. Now I don't mean to sound cocky by any sort of way, but whenever I read poems on OC poetry, never do I see all too much complicated or complex words in one poem. There must be a reason obviously, but I feel as if adding complicated words to such a short poem can make up for the poem being rather short. If you check out a few of my other poems, they tend to be much longer than this, for I try to pass them as a song/poem, so making a sonnet for the 2nd time, I'd try to add as much complexity to it as possible. Also, I think the complex words, or at least the way I catered them to be, leaves a little more room for interpretation on the meaning of the poem.

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Thank You So Much! (Sorry for the excessive commas, I usually do great in prose, but not while commenting paragraphs.) Good Luck to You!

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squaridot•

You have the correct idea about what iambic pentameter is defined as, but "He questioned the universal law theories" is not in iambic pentameter. To tell whether or something is in iambic pentameter, it's easier if the poem is read out loud: it should have a rhythm to it that sounds like this: "da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM" in terms of where the stress falls on the words.

Like this: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Is the overused example, but if you read it out loud you can see where the stress falls. Or: "Nuns fret not at their convent's narrow room."

The reason why many poems don't use too many complicated, complex, or overly specific words in one poem may be because, as I said before, using too many of them tends to be detrimental to the poem's overall effect—even more so if the poem is short and the complicated words are crammed closer together. I wouldn't discount the effectiveness of everyday or 'simple' words. Poems, even short poems, written in seemingly simple language can still be highly effective.

I actually also think that the overly specific/complex words leaves less room for interpreting the poem, since they are so specific.

Anyways, I hope this was helpful. Good luck!

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Messitube38OP•

I understand a bit more about iambic pentameter now. It's more about the syllables in the word, than the word itself. "Why demons don't rot during rainfall", after multiple edits, does this pass of as iambic?).

Thank You! In understand that the excessive use for complicated, complex, or overly specific words may be detrimental to the overall effect. Short, simple language poems could be highly effective, but if I were to ever do something in that way, I'd practice my iambic pentameter on that. Do you know any good sites or tips for iambic pentameter? The example you gave me was great too, but I don't understand how "fret" is stressed, but "not" isn't and "at" is.

I'll be sure to practice my iambic pentameter skills :) Personally, I think metaphors are the best for leaving lots of room for interpretation, especially unusual comparisons. For example: (common metaphor) comparing a lover to a flower or jewel, (uncommon metaphor) comparing using a glass cleaning spray to a funeral.

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Thank You! Have a great day :)

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squaridot•

Honestly I've found that the best practice for iambic pentameter is to just read a lot of sonnets/poems in iambic pentameter, maybe even out loud, just to get a feel for how the rhythm should sound. Here are some examples I like to get your started:

Nuns Fret Not, William Wordsworth

My Silence Knot, Lemony Snicket

My Mistress' Eyes, Shakespeare

This sonnet by a reddit user

Love is Not All by Edna St. Vincent Millay

When I Consider How My Light is Spent by Milton

Shakespeare's sonnets are also really good for picking up iambic pentameter, the rhythm is really clear when you read it out loud. Good luck!

2