Source
r/raisedbyborderlines•
thangle

Always too loud or too quiet?

PLEASE WELCOME...!

Did/does this happen to anyone else? My uBPD claims I'm *always* too loud, or she can't hear me. If I use a gentle softer voice, she doesn't hear or mishears me on purpose. If I speak up enough to be heard, clearly I'm shouting at the top of my lungs and oh jeez darling, everyone in the restaurant can hear you!

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Yeah mom, especially you. You can hear me. You can't pretend you didn't hear and half remember, and screw up whatever I'm saying to you right now because I am enunciating and not shouting you pretend deaf-bat. She tried this a couple weeks ago over breakfast in a loud crowded restaurant, and I finally told her quite clearly, " I am an adult speaking at an appropriate level. You don't need to tell me to be more quiet, this is how I speak." Suddenly she was fine with the loudness of my voice.

Posted May 15, 2019, 11:24 PM UTC

1815
beachbabe420•

My mom is definitely this way and I rarely say anything around her but when I do it’s the wrong volume. But realistically anything is the wrong sound if it’s not the sound of her own voice.

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thangleOP•

Like they took the 'children should be seen and not heard' adage and applied it to your entire life...

3
beachbabe420•

But then I’m criticized for not being outgoing and fun and friendly “like other girls”

3
goy_silM40 survivor of uBPDMom•

Yup mine was this way. Too loud. Too soft. Too deep. Too fast. Kitten mommy is exactly right, no winning.

I realize in hindsight that it was also a two-fer in the gaslighting / martyr thing. On the martyr side, my mom was a victim because she's hard of hearing and she kept losing her hearing aids and "poor me". Simultaneously, it's my fault I couldn't speak in an "appropriate" manner, I was victimizing her, I should modulate my tone perfectly at all times otherwise I was being selfish and thoughtless and why couldn't I do this one simple thing? So I'm second-guessing every word I say and the way in which I say it.

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kittenmommyMODYour Fearless Leader, Survivor of uBPD Mom•

Welcome! I'm so glad you decided to post!

Remember, with BPDs it's no-win. You're either too quiet or too loud, period.

She tried this a couple weeks ago over breakfast in a loud crowded restaurant, and I finally told her quite clearly, " I am an adult speaking at an appropriate level. You don't need to tell me to be more quiet, this is how I speak." Suddenly she was fine with the loudness of my voice.

Fantastic! 😹

Welcome home!

hugs

PS. Are you sure you read all of our rules before posting? Because I think your post is missing something! Please re-read and revise - thanks! 👍🏻

4
thangleOP•

Oh oops, I owe you a cat haiku I believe.

Savannah cat child

Jackson Galaxy said once

Oh Jesus, good luck

And maybe another as penance...

Tuxedo kitten

So much sass, package so small

Twinkle toes, all day

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kittenmommyMODYour Fearless Leader, Survivor of uBPD Mom•

Ah, I love them! Thanks so much! 👍🏻

Are you owned by a tuxedo kitten? I hope so!

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thangleOP•

I have an f4 Savannah boy and a tuxedo girl, and they are madly in love with each other. No bad day can survive a snuggle with either of those kitties.

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kittenmommyYour Fearless Leader, Survivor of uBPD Mom•

OMG, that's awesome! I'm glad you've got them in your life! 💗

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chevymonza•

My mother's the only person over the age of 75 with super-duper hearing. She insists on wearing earplugs (which she often drops on the floor and doesn't pick up), and none are good enough.

Husband works on a massive construction site, and has brought her industrial-strength earplugs, still not good enough. I was thinking about maybe finding some military-grade that are used by soldiers firing missile cannons. But I'm certain those wouldn't work for her, either!

She also talks very softly, making it difficult to hear her. She never speaks directly into the phone for an entire conversation (not that I have long conversations with her lately.) It's so odd.

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ElorieOfficial Translator of BPD FOG/Nonsense!•

This sounds my mother. She claims she has the hearing of a bat and she's "so sensitive" and that's why she can't go out in public. Ooohkay.

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chevymonza•

She doesn't seem to be lying about it, though! She really can overhear conversations out in the hallway, for example. But it's odd that she can't seem to tune things out, or refuses to try.

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ElorieOfficial Translator of BPD FOG/Nonsense!•

I've seen that it's a way to get attention, almost in that waify, "woe is me" sort of way. she's no so special that even industrial earplugs won't work for her. Or she just has unrealistic expectations of what earplugs are supposed to do. Could be both.

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thangleOP•

Like she wants everything to be silent, even herself? That is odd indeed! Maybe she wants everyone to listen as closely as possible as her form of attention seeking...

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chevymonza•

Yeah it's weird, that she can't seem to tune things out. I guess I got the habit from work, where people can be talking all around me, but I just ignore it and focus. Could be part of the BPD, where she's afraid to "miss" anything?

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