Books/resources for cis children to understand trans* parent
Hey everyone!
My son turned three not long ago, and now he's starting to reach that age where he's inevitably noticing the differences in genders with peers at school. As such, the conversations about boys and girls have started to surface but haven't gone very far... yet. We've kept things fairly gender neutral for our kids growing up so far, and we've never pushed the boys vs. girls stuff like we see with other parents, but it's inevitable that this distinction will be hammered in just from society being what it is.
His Mummy is a cis woman, but I (Daddy) am intersex, non-binary trans, with a somewhat feminised body, mostly male sounding voice, and fluid/queer presentation. Naturally my wife and I are concerned about how to "normalise" this for him when he does start really questioning why his Daddy is different to other Daddies, or why the staff and other parents at school treat Daddy a bit differently, or why sometimes Daddy is "Sir" and sometimes "Ma'am" at the shops, etc.
Our little one loves to read with us, and books really help us open discussions with him, so I've been looking for several months for books that tackle the subject of gender identity and gender expression without a rigid gender binary, in a kid friendly way that isn't either coming across as excessively "preachy" or are intended to focus on a child who is going through their own gender identity issues.
The real problem is that I can't seem to find anything that covers *other people being trans* (particularly family) and instead the books always seem to focus on helping the child with their own trans identity. I guess I'm really trying to find something that validates the sentiment that some Daddies are boys, some Daddies are girls, and some Daddies are something else, both, whatever, and that's just fine.
Does anyone have any book recommendations, ideas for other resources for a three or four year old, or perhaps some other ideas or experiences on how to tackle this?
Posted May 16, 2019, 10:46 AM UTC
Introducing Teddy by Jessica Walton. Is a good book for little ones. It doesn’t go very much into depth in being trans jut it normalizes the idea of being trans. It is for smaller children though.
Thanks for this! I had dismissed this earlier, but I think I'll give it a closer look.
I read an interview with Jessica Walton a few years ago about how her father's (binary) transition was the inspiration for the book, and I had looked the book up on Amazon and read through the preview. I felt that the story was starting off on a negative footing: in spite of heavily identifying with the "you might not like me if I tell you something about myself" sentiment as an adult, it felt a bit out of place for a three or four year old's emotional comprehension. I wouldn't want the first impression from my kids unconsciously be that the main character feels there's something wrong with them based on the attitude of not wanting to disclose for fear of losing friends.
I haven't read the whole book, so am I over-thinking it? Probably. Maybe the Amazon preview doesn't do it justice. Do you have experience yourself with this book with small children?
For what it's worth, I also [posted this question on the r/parenting sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/bpax4c/booksresources_for_cis_children_to_understand/) and aside from the expected downvotes the answers have been pretty positive and interesting. Someone has only just now also mentioned Introducing Teddy over there too.
My favourite suggestion so far has been for Red: A Crayon's Story which seems like a really good start.
Thank you again :)
It’s about the only children’s book that has been translated to finnish about transgender. I myself liked it, my 4 year old liked it and kinda understood it, but then again children do vary in undertanding of emotions. The middle part was a bit awkward but it depicts dysphoria in a way that a child might understand it. Everyone in the story are very supportive towards Teddy and almost nothing and at the sametime everything changes. Phycal changes are where the bow is on teddy but the atmosphere changes from a depressing grey to a more colorful and everyone stays friends.
I would suggest that you borrow it from the library and then consider buying it if you like it. We haven’t bought children’s books in 2 years, but this I might just buy. I’ll look into the book you said and see if there’s a translated version of it available for us.
Ahh, see I'm in Belgium so finding niche books like this in a library is a bit difficult. I am in the unfortunate situation of having to increase my carbon footprint by ordering from Amazon and probably returning books that aren't a good fit :(
I don't really need a book that deals with changes or changes to come, or to cover dysphoria, so I still think Teddy might not be what I'm looking for based on what you're saying, but I can see why it would be a useful book for many trans parents.
This morning I dug through an interesting set of suggestions from u/wanderer333 which interest you too, although I suppose it's unlikely they're also in Finnish?
Thank you again, it's nice to hear from other trans parents :)
Probably not. I searched far and wide for books towards children that deal woth gender identity and that was the only one that I came across. It is a good fit for me and my status as I’m begining my social transition now. And my child might or might not be trans too. They frequently say that they are a girl but then again it might just be roleplaying like they also play a cat so you mever know.
I was on the r/TransParents sub asking about how to come out to a 4 yo and I was pretty assured that I was just over thinking the subject. There were very supporting people and the best advice was to be ”normal” about it. Small children usually deal very well with change. The problem comes with older children that tend to see the world in black and white.