Source
r/PMDD•
JamPlanet

Suicidal Ideation

For the first time in 16 years I had full blown suicidal ideation this PMDD cycle. I scared my husband spitless and made him cry. My doctor is away and her locum is an old guy who told me that "being dramatic is normal during your period". I almost punched him. My husband kept me safe and grounded and we are hanging on until my doctor comes back.

I tried suicide 3 times in my early 20's from a combination of PTSD, severe depression, and probably PMDD though it wasn't diagnosed until last year at 37.

Please tell me this can be managed too. I cannot take hormonal birth control and have found great relief from CBD oil, but it didn't touch this at all.

I am really scared...

Posted Jun 9, 2019, 2:48 AM UTC

910
haymmer•

You have fought your demons for 37 years now, you are so resilient, powerful, and strong, they have no chance against you now. Remember how long you’ve been fighting this. With PMDD you feel everything but are self aware of where it is rooted. I don’t feel like myself with PMDD, and I’m sure you feel the same. You will find your solution to kill this feeling without hurting your true self. I believe you deserve that and it will come to you eventually. You gotta hang on for that sweet relief of a day. Stay strong and don’t give up on yourself now, you’ve fought for too long to stop now.

8
JamPlanetOP•

Thank you so much! I have fought much worse things than PMDD in my life, but they were external. This feels like I am fighting myself. I only got diagnosed last year, so sometimes I forget what is causing the suicidal thoughts, anger, doubt in my marriage, etc.

Thank you for your kind words.

2
Amonette2012•

Suicide idealization is not uncommon, and I find that you can get out of the trap of it with some practiced rational thinking.

So for example I might be feeling suicidal today. I try and rationalize this - why do I feel this way? What is depressing me? What do I really want to change?

Then I go and remind myself of all the reasons why killing myself would be an utterly ridiculous idea, starting with changing the kitty litter and feeding the birds (wild ones on my porch). Then I water my plants and do some cleaning. Then the crow will come by and caw at me, and will require peanuts, and the baby squirrels will want some too, and I have to re-fill the bird bath...

By putting things in my life that I need to care for, I can get myself out of this mindset. I can't kill myself right now - the cats will go hungry. I can't kill myself until after I've fed the birds, and then what will they do when I'm dead? Just starve?!

I can't kill myself until I've watered my plants. And repotted a couple of them. And watered those poor little seedlings, and potted them up because THEY don't deserve to die.

All these little obligations to the world in general help a lot. This is how I get through it. Start with plants, they're easiest Get a bird feeder if you have a place to put it - you'd be amazed how attached you get to those little feathered fuckers. When you're sad you'll hear them singing outside and think 'better feed the birds,' and that REALLY helps me.

3
JamPlanetOP•

Thank you for these thoughts. I have plants, bird feeders, etc but sadly my thought was "my husband will take care of them". Him crying out of fear of losing me wheb I told him how I felt got me back under control.

I attempted suicide 3 times in my 20's for other reasons and I know these were ideations and not close to attempts...but fuck those feelinvs made me fear those old days.

Maybe I need a New kitten...😳

1
Amonette2012•

Def get a kitten. Actually get two littermates, they're amazing. Assuming you can afford and care for said cats, ofc.

You have to realize with plants and birds that you're the only one that will do this - others will forget. That's why they need you, and why we need them. Just get new plants. It's good that he got how it made you feel though.

I'm gonna hit you up on chat if that's ok :)

3
[deleted]•

I’ve been there. Thank you for sharing and reaching out. You are not alone! Have you tried SSRIs? Supplements? CBD helps with my anxiety and inflammation, but not mood. I need things that really boost serotonin - healthy food, exercise, 5HTP, magnesium, zinc, b6, vitamin D. Diet, lifestyle and supplements got me to a place where I feel really sad during PMDD but never go to those dark places. ❤️

2
JamPlanetOP•

Thanks for commenting! I can't take SRRI's and thought I had my supplements sorted but I guess it is time to tweak it. I have early onset perimenopause so I am sure my hormones are changing a lot.

Usually CBD helps my mood level oit, which is why I was so caught off guard!

My lifestyle is really healthy, which is great! Everything has just seemed to shift and change in the last year and I am trying to find a new balance.

What is 5HTP?

1
[deleted]•

It’s so frustrating when you’ve got a handle on things, but then there’s a shift! 5HTP is a precursor to serotonin. For me, it helps with cravings, mood and sleep. I tried it because the side effects of SSRIs were just as bad as the PMDD for me.

1
TiredestBunny•

I've been here, recently as well, and it is so scary. It's even more scary when it hasn't happened in a while. I'm not sure if you are in a headspace to look at it like this, but it helped me a lot to give myself the compassion that it was a good thing I could recognize it and call it out, because in the past I would avoid it or deny it. Even to myself. And we cant face what we aren't even acknowledging. And you faced it, you talked to your husband, you sought help! That's incredible!

My therapist gave me the best way to look at suicidal ideation because she never shamed me for it or acted like it took away from the work I'm doing. She explained how normal it is, and how it can even be nor al for people without pmdd or chronic mental illness. That when I get scared by it I can triage it by if it's an idea or if it's a plan. It's scary because even the word is taboo and it's not talked about enough, but when it's an idea and not a plan it's helps ground me and be able to say "I'm not planning it. I don't want to plan it. Okay... I might have this. I might be okay. I can get through this. It will pass". It's fucking terrifying to have that internal conversation but it can also be empowering that we are still more in control than pmdd let's us believe at time. Sending love to you. I hope you are able to see your doctor soon.

1
JamPlanetOP•

Thank you....that was really really helpful. It had been so long since it has happened, i had forgotten all the techniques I learned in therapy. Thank you for this.

1