Source
r/OCPoetry•
tangledspit

Stagnant [OC]

Feedback Received!

The stale water's

Muggy smell

Clings to my nostrils

Much like the way

You cling to things

That rot you from the inside out

.

Tell me when it's over

As the night of tranquility

Will instead swallow me whole

.

And I will become one

With the things that haunt me

S.W.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bye8gx/buzzed/eqh0sj4?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bxr9ad/writing/eqh90xn?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Posted Jun 9, 2019, 3:57 AM UTC

34
jwalapoet•

This is quite deep. The speaker appears to be concerned about someone (possibly a friend or a partner) and compares the stagnant nature of their relationship to water that's gone bad. The speaker prefers to sleep and hide from their problems knowing well that their own acts of ignorance will eventually lead to the collapse of this relationship.

I've read a lot of poem about break-ups but this is definitely different because it has tension. It's that delicate phase of the relationship where you're about to throw it out of the window but there are still specks of love and concern, searching for even the smallest chance for salvation. It's not just the theme that makes the poem great but also the way you've subtly depicted the tension.

A bit of constructive criticism for the first two lines : You're comparing this relationship to water. You can pep up the first line by adding the word "still", which directly suggests the relationship has become stagnant. Also I'm not sure whether stale water smells "Muggy" but it could certainly smell "Mucky"...a mucky relationship. Consider the substitution.

Great job and thanks for sharing !!

1
tangledspitOP•

I appreciate the feedback and your observation of the subtlety of tension. It's so amusing, as a writer, the things you unknowingly include until someone else plucks it out of those cleverly constructed lines. My poetry has a lot of layers that are just inherently incorporated due to what feels to me, complex emotion, revolving around most matters I write about.

I'll take note of your constructive feedback, though I am unsure of how 'still' would fit in the first line, I feel as though it disrupts the rhythm and would then have too much alliteration. I described it as 'muggy' because I wanted it to evoke the imagery of being stuffy, airless, damp, heavy. I know muggy is more descriptive for air quality, but it has a smell to me. A sort of foul smell that makes you feel trapped within it.

I really appreciate the time you took to write a response, and cherish your feedback. Thank you!

1
Scoreacheck93•

I really like this poem, but I’m not entirely sure what the things are that are haunting you. However, out of the many breakup poems I’ve heard, this is definitely one of the good ones. I love the way you show that you aren’t quite over it, but that you know you should be, and how that creates a bit of a divide in yourself. One think I’m confused about is the “night of tranquility” swallowing you whole, but it could also be a metaphor I’m too stupid to understand.

All in all, REALLY good poem. Keep writing, bro.

1
tangledspitOP•

It's funny, when I wrote this poem it wasn't a 'breakup' poem, though maybe it subconsciously was. The person I was with at the time was so insanely self-destructive, and I was sitting waiting for him next to a pond that smelled essentially like rot. You know how it is, hot summer night, bugs breeding and sludge forming around the edges. It just seemed like a metaphor for the situation I was in, and what was haunting me was the idea that none of it would work out, that I was forming the same behavior - clinging to things that would destroy me (him) - but I wanted to succumb. It seemed easier that conquering.

I appreciate your feedback, and am so happy to hear that you enjoyed my work. Thank you!!

2