DULLER
This is not an ode to things that are sharp
like knives, tongues or strings of a harp.
This is an ode to those with the guts
to move on after surviving the cuts
of these killers, edgy and cold.
Only legends must be told -
Of the fingers that were grazed
but remained unbroken and unfazed
unlike the shattered, shard-ed mess
it proceeds to clean up, no stress.
Or the feet that were stung by blades of grass,
a piercing pain worse than slivers of glass
which cracked heels can not shield,
yet playfully prance in the fields.
The gums holding teeth that were chiseled
by the violent brush and its bristles.
They bled but come what may,
hold on to bear the timely torture next day.
Let's not forget the knees and hands
scraped by the stones and sand.
They despite their unfortunate fate,
continue to carry their own weight.
The chin underneath the beard
which the razor does not fear,
soothed by an alcoholic ocean
of cleansing after-shave lotion.
The skin of the palms
that remains calm
in spite of looking pale
from the clawing of clenched nails.
The thumb that didn't know better
while receiving an unopened letter,
revealing daggers of ink
and a heart that will sink.
And the wrists of those
who ended up morose
over the mistakes they made,
seeking solace in a blade.
With time, these wounds can be ignored
whether it came by pen or sword.
The blood's just a transient tone of the skin,
clocks will cover it up after a short spin.
And while scars may be left behind,
let these badges of honor remind
that in adding a hint of red to your color,
these sharp edges became a tad bit duller.
Posted Jun 9, 2019, 7:10 AM UTC
First off, your language here is top notch! I really get the feeling that you know the English language well, and your word choice clearly proves that. I particularly like the lines "With time, these wounds can be ignored / whether it came by pen or sword. / The blood's just a transient tone of the skin, / clocks will cover it up after a short spin" and "The chin underneath the beard / which the razor does not fear, / soothed by an alcoholic ocean / of cleansing after-shave lotion."
What's unique about this poem is it tells you right at the beginning that these following stanzas are really trying to tell you to survive through hardship, and then it spares no expense on describing different forms of depression. It does it so cleverly that I had to go back a few times to read into some of the details. The true uniqueness here though is that you are able to make something so uplifting sound so overwhelmingly sad, but it ends on a bright note.
I do think this poem would benefit from some punctuation and clear rhythm. The rhyming does help the rhythm establish itself, but I feel like having both a standard syllable count per line and some brief pauses with commas/periods/em dashes within the lines would allow the poem to have some room to breathe at points, and I only say that because it's mostly enjambment. It can work, and it does at points in your poem! I just wouldn't overly rely on it.
Great job overall! I look forward to your future works!
Thank you so much for the detailed analysis and feedback!! It's true, I was never really good with my punctuation and I am making a genuine effort to learn how to apply it properly. The syllable count is also something I tend to forget about. But I do acknowledge that it is very important. I will keep your valuable advice in mind :-)
If you look up syllable counter online, you should fine some! I always do a rough check after each line.